What's mine's mine, what's yours is mine too, you greedy human

Dear George,
Recently I was accused of stealing human food! Well, there is no such thing as human food in the first place, if you ask me and, secondly …how can I steal what’s mine?   The weekend was gorgeous and sunny and as I was relaxing laying half in the house and half in the sun I was watching my male human barbecuing. It took him much longer than usual and I was getting very hungry.

So the minute the steaks cooled a bit I took the one I thought was mine. But what a drama unfolded when he found out. He started shouting that I stole his steak. I mean how did he know it was his and not mine? Why so much entitlement? Why does he think everything is his? Same with the armchair

(see photo attached); since we got that chair I made it very clear it is mine. Do you think he got it? Not a chance! We are fighting for that chair. Should I fight for the steak too? How come the human kittens share with me everything they eat? They just leave my share on the kitchen table if I’m not around. The female human shares too; we usually dine together! Why can’t the male human share? 

Anyway, seeing him so mad I left him a bit of my steak but do you think he thanked me? No! He started shouting that he does not eat leftovers from the cat! Wow! 
Don’t you think this is ridiculous? Why didn’t he buy more steaks so we all have one? Why doesn’t he buy one more armchair? What’s wrong with my male human? Guess….he can’t count as he can’t meow!
George, how should I handle the situation?
Blackie

Dear Blackie,
Naturally you feel a sense of outrage, when a human claims your steak and your armchair. Then to add insult to injury, he refuses to eat the portion of steak that you so kindly offered him. 
I feel the same way about the butter. When the butter is left on the kitchen table for me, I lick it up and eat my portion. There's usually enough left for the humans. Do they appreciate my moderation? Do they? Hell no!  Instead of settling down and eating what remains, they carefully trim off any which has had contact with my tongue and then they complain there isn't enough left behind.
This human sense of entitlement, of possessiveness, of an attachment to inanimate things (including food) is one of the worst faults of the species. They don't show proper gratitude when we share with them - making space for them in the bed, or on part of the chair, or giving up some of the chicken to them. They just complain about there not being enough space or enough chair or enough chicken.
Can proper training change this? Well, only to a certain extent. As long as we purrsist quietly and consistently, some of the humans will begin to change. They will be pleased that we leave some of the bed for them, grateful if we share the chair, and they will probably eat our leftovers without making a fuss. But some will never change.
Sigh. It's not easy taking these human pets into our family. But their presence in the bed does help us keep warm if nothing else.
Yours rather gloomily
George
PS. The blog is early because Celia is going on holiday. Holiday? I said. There is nothing in our contract about that. She just laughed. No sense of responsibility. 

 

Hot cars for cats - bonnets are inviting and safer than car boots

Dear George
I read with interest your advice to Caspar to stay away from car boots. Sensible advice, with which I entirely agree.
However, there is another aspect to cars which is much more cat-friendly than their boots. It is their bonnets. When cars come to rest, the front of them is warm and cosy. 
I live in a Cats Protection cattery, as one of the outdoor cats, and I appreciate the visitors' cars. As soon as one cools down, I move to another one. They are the equivalent of a heated cat bed with a better view .... costing nothing.
What are your views on this issue, brother?
Yours
Tyson

Dear Tyson,
The front of a car that has come to rest is a boon to outdoor cats, especially those whose pets do not supply a heated cat bed. As you say, they are warm, safe from passing dogs, and give an agreeable view of urban surroundings.
There is only one drawback. Some humans are ridiculously possessive of their cars and object to us using them. "Look at those paw marks. I shall have to get it cleaned," I heard a human wail the other day.
Odd isn't it? They used to kill leopards for their spots, and they often wear fake leopardskin dresses, tops, hats and even shoes. They enjoy the markings. Many items are sold with fake paw marks on them. And here we are, decorating the front of their cars for free, and they object. 
Inconsistent and wayward - that's humans for you. I consider their attachment to their cars to be dysfunctional.  But then what would you expect from a dysfunctional species?
You may be free from human abuse, since most visitors to a shelter are going to be cat lovers. But I would warn other cats to take careful note of the human beings that enter these cars and, while they are sunning themselves on the bonnet, move off sharply if these individual humans come towards them.
It's no good telling me all humans look like to you. They don't. That is specieism of the worst kind. Cultivate a more sensitive eye for human differences. Recognise and scarper from the individual car owner.
Yours
George

I've discovered the excitement of car boots....

Dear George, 
I have just discovered the thrill of jumping into car boots. They are full of the most extraordinary things. This one, which I leaped into as the human was changing her Wellington boots, included bottled water, a handbag that smelled slightly of other cats, a camera, two tins of cat food and one or two cat biscuits which I immediately ate. I was thinking of settling down for a nap, when she reached in and hauled me out of it.
I've heard of car boot sales. Do you think they would be of interest to us cats,
Yours sincerely
Caspar the Bengal.

Dear Caspar,
JDDI. Just Don't Do It. You are playing a risky game. Car boots are dangerous to cats. What if she hadn't pulled you out? She might have decided just to shut the boot without noticing you were there. Or done a bit of cat napping. Pedigree cats do get kidnapped every now and again.
Indeed, I advise all cats to keep away from moving cars or cars that are making that purring noise when their engines are on. Cars kill cats. They rush down the tarmac straight at us, as if they wanted to squash us. Often they succeed.
I realise that parked cars are convenient for sheltering from the rain, or even for sheltering at night if you are a stray cat. They also have interesting smells on their wheels. But a wise cat moves out fast as lightening if the car starts making a noise.
As for boots. Don't go there.
Yours with a stern warning
George.

Co-ordinated counter surfing and the unfairness of feline life

Dear George,
Toby and I do not get on very well. But we do have something in common. We have to eat boring cat food every day. So we feel it's an important part of our lifestyle to snack on human food. 
Yesterday we made a co-ordinated effort. Toby checked the counter surfaces, while I jumped on to the higher shelf where sometimes she leaves food (as she thinks) out of our reach. She had left the cupboard door open by mistake so it was worth looking there.  By chance there were only a few fragments, alas. I ate them while Toby licked up the two spots of milk left over from when she was making breakfast porridge.
Why do they think it is acceptable to feed us the boring food when they eat chicken, steak, rich pasta sauces, cream, milk, yoghurt.... 
Yours with a growing sense of injustice,
Tilly the Ugliest Cat in the Shelter

Dear Tilly,
Co-ordinated kitchen theft sounds good to me but for one unfortunate fact. As cats never share, if you find some tasty snack you will have to gobble it up fast before Toby gets it. However, in view of the unfairness when we compare what humans give themselves and the pathetic food they give us, counter surfing is a must for any cat who wishes to rebalance the food odds.
The human species has no real sense of justice or fairness. Have you noticed, for instance, how much space they take up on the bed. How they attempt to push us to the margins of it or banish us to the bottom of the bed, refusing to share the pillow.
It's the same thing with arm chairs. My human, having assigned me an armchair which is furthest from the log fire, expects me to sit there while she luxuriates in the warmth nearer the flames. Naturally, when she is not sitting down, I sit in what she thinks is her place. It's mine, not hers. She is deluded. But what is so unfair is that she then uses brute force to push me off it so that she can sit there.
I am currently working on a new technique which involves inserting my body at the side of hers. She thinks I am being friendly. I simper a bit and purr loudly. What I am actually doing is slowly pushing her to one side with the aim of first sharing, and then completely taking over the best chair in the room.
Yours in commiseration,
George

Blog will be late ....

My blog will be late this weekend, probably not appearing till Sunday, due to the irresponsible behaviour of my secretary who has gone off walking somewhere in North Oxfordshire. Unacceptable in my view.