Another embarassing problem.....

Dear George,
This is the first time we have written a letter together but the latest developments in our household have been quite upsetting for us and our humans. The subject is "private and sensitive" but I think we can all learn from each other. It is about constipation in cats. We don't know what contributed to it but we both got constipated lately and our humans just freaked out. We are on a super, premium canned food. Cayenne is drinking more water than me and she is not enjoying the canned food as much as the raw but mummy needed to hide her medication in food. We understand that constipation in cats is a completely undesireable and dangerous condition but what do we have to do to avoid such episodes? In a matter of three days we almost ate a whole tube of constipation remedy, more than a tabespoonful of pumpkin puree, grated apples and carrots. Psyllium husk was added to our food and one of us even got a baby glycerin suppository. We don't want this to reoccur but we don't want to turn into rabbits either. Not that there is anything wrong with rabbits but eating carrots and apples is not our cup of tea. 
Tonight Cayenne was switched back to her raw food, but I refused to eat it. I will continue with my canned food. What do we do next? George, we need a few tips from you. We read there are cats that only go every second or every third or every fourth day, and up to a week. Is this normal?
Love Fluffy and Cayenne

Dear Fluffy and Cayenne,
In that interfering and maddening way that humans have, a human, Karen Overall,has studied this and says that pet cats urinate 2-4 times daily and defecate 1-2 times daily. "Defecation every other day can be considered normal." Treatments seem to vary from country to country but here in the UK a malt flavoured laxative for cats comes in a tube and I can assure you that it is very tasty. When some is put on my lips, I lick it all off with enjoyment. There is more information at www.fabcats.org
One reason for constipation can be that the litter trays are not to our liking. Is your human cleaning them up daily or (better still) twice daily. Are there two trays? Personally I like one for pee and one for poo. I just don't like mixing the two in the same litter. Have your humans given you the litter you like best? Humans are notorious for slacking off. Get them up to speed on litter box hygeine to help you go more often.
Are you drinking enough? If you only have one water bowl and it is placed next to your food bowl, you may not feel like drinking there. Get them to give you a second bowl somewhere. It's not natural to have food and water in the same place. Yes, I know it is natural for humans to eat and drink at the same place but we are not humans (thank goodness). Dehydration can lead to constipation.
And are they brushing you enough? If you are shedding and you are not being brushed daily, you will ingest a lot of hair as you groom yourself. Hairballs slow down the gut - though it is fun sicking them up near the bed so that your human steps on one with his naked foot first thing in the morning.
Luckily I have never had to have a suppository. French humans have these all the time instead of pills. My friend William absolutely loathed having anything put up his backside and would bite the vet each time the vet tried to take his temperature. That's the only time he would bite a human. Have you thought about giving Michelle a sharp nip if she tries it again. It worked for William.
Yours with sympathy,
George

Am I really a serial killer? And who are the mass killers?

Dear George,
I was horrified and upset when my human described me (on her Facebook page no less) as "the serial killer with whom I share my bed." How could she be so hurtful? She had been upset because she'd let me out into the garden in the morning and I had shot across the lawn and bagged a bunny. Quite a large one too. As you can imagine, I felt an enormous sense of achievement. 
But somehow being described publically as a serial killer upset me. Should I try to resist my hunting urges?
I might add that she has already labelled me as "the Ugliest Cat in the Shelter".  Personally I think she is very ugly, like all humans. For a start they are bald. And for a follow up, she can't kill rabbits like I can.
Yours in disgust
Tilly.

Dear Tilly,
We do our best for humans, don't we? And then what do they do. Shower us with gratitude for being efficient pest operatives? No such luck. They scream when we bring in mice. They almost faint when we bring in a rat (as I did once). And, as you have discovered, some of them are unhappy about rabbits too.
The latest human survey put cameras on cats and claimed that (in the USA somewhere), our hunting bag consisted of 40% lizards, snakes and frogs, 25% mice, chipmunks and small mammals, and 12% birds.  OK, humans. So live with that. That is what we do. Stop pursing your lips.
Who are the serial killers? Well we are. We kill a mouse. Then we kill another one. But that is nothing to the mass killings by humans. They have completely destroyed the wildlife habitat of various islands by importing rats (as snacks) in their canoes. They have concreted over vast tracks of wild land. They have fouled up rivers with their waste. Now they are destroying the fish stocks in the sea.
They even mass kill their own species. Remember the Hitler death camps? The Stalin-imposed famines? The humans dying in Syria, in North Korea ....
Then what do out pet humans do? Blame us for killing wildlife one by one, while their species kills in the thousands, tens of thousands and millions.
Yours in equal disgust
George

I am black and beautiful but I still need a home of my own.

Dear George,
Here I am in a Cats Protection pen, waiting for somebody to adopt me. I was heavily pregnant when I was turned up in somebody's garden - luckily they got help for me. 
I have five beautiful kittens, three of them black - two with me in this photo. The problem is that while my tabby kittens are easily adopted, fewer people want black kittens. Worse still, even fewer of them want black adult cats like me.
But look at me - I am sleek, with gleaming fur and an affectionate disposition.
What can we black cats do to change human attitudes?
Yours hopefully
Rosie
Dear Rosie,
Yes, you are black and beautiful. Wonderful golden eyes in that elegant black face with its long whiskers and a really nice whisker pad. (The whisker pad is such an improvement on the bald human cheek!) Humans really are odd.
Not content with discriminating against black people of their own species, they do the same to animals. Black dogs, sometimes known as BBUs or Big Black Uglies, are the last to be chosen in dog shelters. Black cats are almost the last to be chosen in cat shelters (though ugly brown dark torties like my friend Tilly are even slower to be chosen.)
Here in the UK black cats are thought to be lucky. It's even worse in the USA where black cats are thought to be unlucky. Maybe we could find a National Association for Black Cats or start a Black Feline Panthers.
Black cats in the world unite to change human attitudes!
Yours
George

Do cats go to Vegas?

  Dear George,                                                   I’m having a big dilemma…. bigger than “to be or “not to be”! My dilemma is “should I go to Las Vegas or should I not”? I heard my human planning to go to Las Vegas (that’s true, he rescued me after his last trip there) and he might take me with him. All this because he’s afraid that I’ll bite the cat sitter again and now, she’s really scared of me. Well, if it’s up to me….then let it be…. Las Vegas – it sounds like lots of fun. I heard there are lots of rats there – this alone will provide hours and hours of entertainment. Someone mentioned sharks too – I don’t know what that is but I guess it is something bigger then a rat! Do you know if there are mice there too? Or are mice too small for this Cats’ Meow town? What else can one do in Las Vegas? I heard that what “happen” in Las Vegas stays in Las Vegas. Does that mean that…..if we “happen” there we’ll stay there? I don’t want to stay there nor do I want a brother or sister after this trip!

I’m confused! Hm! Guess…..I’m too young to understand all of this. By the way, how one gets there? Hopefully not by plane as I don’t like to be confined in a small cold space. I like to rest & relax as you can see in the picture. So, George, what do you think? Should I go or better stay home?

Vegas 

Dear Vegas,

Don't even think of it. You wouldn't like it at all. Have you ever seen that programme on TV called CSI - the one with lots of corpses.  Well, it's not so much the corpses that would worry you. After all, a dead human is much the same as a dead mouse only too big to eat or bat around. 

No, it's the fountains and the lights. Look at how the programme starts and you will see flashing lights all over the place in front of the casinos. You would not enjoy those lights. Or the lighted up fountains that suddenly come to life. Or the crash of the fruit machines. Nothing interesting  comes out of those. Just hard cold coins. There's not a mouse in sight in these places. True there is food of a sort - garbage, thrown away take-away food, and so forth. But the rats are huge. 

You were lucky enough to get away. Don't risk going back. We cats need to live in the present, not to bother ourselves about the past. Humans do that in their heads. They live in the past and the future so much they can't cope with the present at all. We are their superiors in this, as in much else. A cat has a clear head. Don't clutter yours with looking back.

Love George

PS. This posting is disgracefully late due to my secretary's irresponsibility. She had 48 hours away from her post, walking over the Peak District. Peak of disloyalty I called it. I made her feel really, really guilty about leaving me in the lurch. It's wonderful how we can make guilt work. As we don't do guilt, humans don't know how to get back at us on this one.

  

Bats and cats and human hypocrisy

Dear George,
Have you ever caught a bat?   When a king pipistrelles started to alarm my human on Monday night by zooming around her bedroom, I naturally leaped to her rescue, thinking that those black wing bits might be quite tasty.  I finally got the pesky thing last night and was disappointed to find that it was quite unpalatable, so I left the evidence to show my human I’d tried and helped myself to a young rabbit instead.   My human was impressed, as she should have been, but two things about her reaction worry me.  She is muttering about worming tablets, but it is not long since her last visit to the vet for these stupid pills and I worry that I may become ill if she worms me too often.   And she seemed confused about which recycling bin to use for the dead bat.  Here in South Oxfordshire we have a wide choice – recyclables, land-fill or food waste are the most popular.  The latter seems to obvious choice to me.
And one last question.  Why was the bat indoors anyway?   The colony lives somewhere in the roof space and normally flies out over the garden without any confusion.   Were they trying to stay out of the rain? What do you advise?
Yours ever,
Scaramouche.

Dear Scaramouche,
Bats... mmmm. You are just one lucky cat, Scaramouche. I have to catch mice in the garden and bring them into the house, when I want an interesting game at 3 am in the morning. You've got a colony of bats waiting for you in the roof space somewhere. Hours of fun .... stalking them, climbing into the attic, poking your whiskers into various spaces in the rafters etc.
You could catch one and release it into your human's bedroom. If you are careful not to hurt  its wings, it will then zoom round the room.  That should give you and her hours of enjoyment. Wait for her shrieks of delight. Or just have fun of placing yourself on a wall and batting them as they come out in the twilight. Biff Baff. Another bat hits the dust.
I have never caught one but I thought they were just mice with wings. I'm surprised they don't taste good. I would have thought they were a nice crunchy meal.  I can see the wings would be too tough to eat, but I would have thought the plump little bodies were quite tasty.  Or perhaps because they eat insects, they taste vile - like shrews do. I catch shrews all the time but I never eat them.
Some humans, particularly naturalists (so called) get very upset by our tendency to catch bats. Bats have more friends among humans than ordinary mice or shrews. Not sure why. There are little groups of humans all over the country trying to save bats from other humans and from cats like you.
Humans are terribly hypocrites. Bats are endangered species because humans persecute them. Admittedly we take a few of them - but nothing like the numbers killed by humans using chemicals in their lofts or blocking entry into their rooftops. Even churches often try to kill them.
I envy you. I do.
Yours
George.
PS. We look so alike we could almost be brothers. Humans reading this can get bat information at www.bats.org.uk