How can I throw my human out of the Master Bedroom?

Dear George,
As you can see, I am King Winston of English descent and I was the king of the house…..until my housekeepers moved to a new house. As soon as we moved to this new place, my male housekeeper “took" away from me the Master Bedroom and Master King Size Bed! I know he is of English descent too, but I don’t think we are related (unless he is one of some unknown relative’s of mine off springs). Anyway, this is LES MAJESTE (and I hope he knows what that means)! George, William, Oscar…. I need all your help to kick him out of the Master Bedroom. (I want him down in the basement – that’s where he should be). My female human is very nice, a real lady and very kind. I don’t mind to share my king size bed with her. I know that if I start pushing inch by inch…..soon I’ll have the whole bed for me. But…what can I do about my male human? How can I move him fast in the basement?
In bewilderment Sir Winston

Dear Sir Winston,
It amazes me that your female human doesn't prefer you to a mere human in the bed. Such beautiful green eyes, elegant white spats and shirt front! Surely he's not as elegant as you are? OK, so I realise there are some things he can do which you can't (I presume like me you've been fixed). But can he purr? I bet he can't. It is outrageous that he thinks he has the right to sleep in your Master Bedroom. The man needs to be put in his place - well below Alpha cat, Sir Winston.
So how do you get him out of the Master Bedroom and into the basement? There is a choice - purr or claw. The purring method consisters of pretending to be nice -- too nice. Get right into his face at night - literally sleep over it. This nearly suffocates humans and they can bear very little of it. If he has a beaky sort of nose (inferior to your elegant one), it may be a tad uncomfortable. In that case simply sleep on the pillow right next to him and edge yourself so that you are sideways on but absolutely tight against his face. Not quite so suffocating, but pretty close.
As well as suffocating him, snore. Loudly. Walk up and down his body in the early hours of the morning. Pause merely to knead hard at any tender bits round the groin. This apparently loving gesture is extremely painful if aimed at the correct area and if the bedclothes are not too thick. It also looks affectionate in the eyes of the female human, so there is less likelihood of your getting booted outside the Master Bedroom yourself.
Incidentally, I assume you have put an end to hanky panky, or knookie, how's-your-father or bit-of-the-other (as we Brits call it in tabloid newspapers). Most of us cats sleep between our humans to remind them that we don't approve of it. Their juvenile humping and noise interferes with our sleep. We pet cats have turned to a graceful celibacy. They should do the same if they want to keep us happy.
The claw method of chucking a human out of bed is direct punishment. Use your male human as a scratching post. Bite his ears, or his nose - exquisitely painful. Crawl under the duvet and grab his toes or those other bits near the groin. That'll shift him fast. But it may also lead to human aggression. While there is no excuse whatsover for human cruelty to cats, humans can lose control which is why punishment in the bedroom has its risks. The unhealed wounded human is dangerous to be near! I'd go for the subtler purr method myself.
Best of luck,
George

I bite humans. I enjoy seeing them flinch. Should I stop?

Dear George,
I bite humans. Here I am stuck in a pen waiting for somebody to adopt me. Worse still, until recently I itched and itched and itched. I felt so bad I pulled out all the fur of my belly and backside. The anti-flea stuff they gave me made me so ill I thought I was going to have a fit. Then they changed my diet- after four months of itching - and my hair is beginning to grow back. You can just seem the remains of the bald bits if you look carefully at my tummy. I used to bite humans because I felt so itchy and awful. Now I just bite them anyway. They keep wanting to touch or pet me and I just want them to keep a respectful distance. Biting works well. I bit Celia four times in ten minutes. I wonder if I should stop. I don't much like the human race.
Zealand

Dear Zealand,
There's no ethical reason why you should stop nipping and biting humans. After all they are a different species and we cats don't owe them anything. Least of all you. Your humans gave up on you and just chucked you out into a rescue centre, where you are now. While you were itching all over, no wonder you bit. It must have been hell if you needed to pull out your own fur. No wonder you don't like humans.
Humans have this unhealthy desire to cuddle. And to touch. They must do it. They don't seem to realise that cats like you, who were probably given the wrong education as kittens, are frightened of being touched, or hugged, or cuddled or picked up. You want to be in a household where you get regular meals, somewhere nice to sleep, and you can get on with your own life - perhaps doing a bit of hunting in the garden. You are a no cuddles cat.
Celia can take it. She spent a year going into rescue centres and has been bitten by a large number and variety of cats -- frightened tabbies, neurotic pedigrees, Persians that have suffered from rough grooming, beautiful white princess pussycats terrified of the nearby noise of dogs, terrified gingers cowering in their beds, and cats like you that just bit any passing hand. The worst consisted of a bite plus a real clawing when half her hand swelled up. She doesn't enjoy it but she does understand that cats in rescue shelters are highly traumatised.
However, there is a reason for rethinking your biting policy. The more you bite, the more difficult it will be to find a home. Kittens find homes easily. Loving cuddly adult cats usually only stay about a few weeks in rescue. Somebody who wants a cat comes into the pen and picks them up and cuddles them and they purr.
But when somebody comes into the pen tries to pick up a cat and gets bitten, they often have to wait for months and months. Is there any chance you could try to be nice? Or just try not to bite till they take you home. Think about it. There are a few humans who don't mind being bitten but not many.
George