How to avoid getting an "unsolicited" brother

Dear George, 
How much I wish you had never posted the letter about the kittens born to that wild cat!
Ugh! The minute my mommy read your post I knew she’s up to something!
It seems that I’m getting an “unsolicited” little brother! No, no, no! Of course my mommy is not pregnant but now….she wants to adopt the little tabby! He even got a name: Pepe! Well, Pepe is totally unsolicited (by me); he is not welcome in my territory!
What am I going to do with the little bugger? Being born to a wild cat probably he has no manners! Definitely he knows no etiquette!
George, any tips on how to be properly introduced? I don’t want him to step on my paws! Any rules to be set up? Any specific language that he’ll be responsive to? I mean …something simple as, mind you, he doesn’t come exactly from aristocracy! Or….teach me how to make my mother change her mind.
I’m royalty after all (photo above). Can I share my house with a pauper? Should I take him in my life?
Yours with apprehension
Princess   

Dear Princess,
You can't stop them, alas. Why do humans think we cats want another cat? They want another cat. It is not natural for cats to share, except with close relatives. Myself I have had to adjust to another cat in the household but I would have preferred to be the only cat. The centre of all attention. The focus of all eyes. Second, or even third cats in our territory just mean there is less human attention and less human service for me. No wonder you are apprehensive.
A very slow introduction is best with Pepe in a cat crate or a carrier or a separate room (Details here). You need to get used to his smell. Feliway Friend, a new product designed to encourage intercat friendship, will help here. Get them to plug in a diffuser where territory will be shared.
I recommend avoiding Pepe as much as possible at first. Make sure your humans feed you in different locations, not in row. Close-up feeding bowls look sweet on Facebook but are stressful for cats. In nature we are solitary eaters and solitary hunters. Make sure there are plenty of beds - human beds, cat beds, sofas, armchairs. You need a place to sleep undisturbed by a kitten.
Although it will be irritating to watch your humans playing with the kitten, at least it will mean that some of that kittenish energy will be soaked up and he will be less likely to harass you...
Best of luck. 
George

PS. Celia is helping Muriel Brasseur next year put on a course, Companion Animal Behaviour: Listening to and Understanding Animals. Animal Communication (Dogs, Cats and Rabbits) Day and Weekend Course at the University of Oxford on Fri 26 May 2017 to Sun 28 May 2017.

The cat that eats his broccoli....

Dear George,
It's true... I eat broccoli! And once more I put humans to shame as most of them “hate” broccoli! But not me. Of course I eat a species proper diet (meaning carnivore and well balanced) but I like to snack on broccoli … little bites at a time! My Mom is quite worried but I know it is good for me and it’s not doing any harm! I can even be a “poster cat” advertising for humans to eat their veggies! I’m setting up an example for kids!

Parents should be grateful! What do you think?

Gizmo

Dear Gizmo,
There are many ways that humans can learn from cats. Eating broccoli is only one of them. Humans can learn the value of silence from us, the importance of sleep, the beauty of graceful movement, and ability not to desire material possessions. These are spiritual as well as moral talents.
This all adds up to a spiritual superiority to humans. We have a natural absence of self pity: an acceptance of life as it is without the yearning for things to be different: the courage to live with pain: and a straight forward ability to live in the present most of the time. We don't shop. We don't envy. We don't try to control others. We walk away from, instead of towards, trouble. We keep ourselves clean without being vain about it.
So yes, you are an example for kids who won't eat their broccoli. But more than that. You, and every cat that is alive, sets an example of modest spirituality for humans to follow.
Yours
George.
PS. If you Mom is worried about your habit of eating broccoli she should keep an eye on the litter box. There is a special chart here which will gives graphic illustrations of what poo stools. Grades 2-3 are what should be in the box. grade 3.5 onwards suggests you should ease up on the broccoli!

Born to be wild.... or perhaps not.

Dear George, 

Is this a valid statement or not so much? We were born of a feral cat but in a human house! Does that make us wild? We are five kitten - seven week old now - and quite social. We are ready for adoption (if anybody is interested). Our mother, who actually let this nice, generous human touch her, is getting to the clinic to be spayed. We heard our “temporary” human mother saying that she won’t release our feral mother back to the wild since she’s quite used to human touch now. But, what about us?

Are we going to be OK? One of the "girls' in the gang is getting used to catnip toys as you can see in the first photo.

Any wise advice George?

In a very playful mood,

The Three Musketeers (out of five)

Dear Kittens,
You are getting the best education you could have for a happy future  - warm shelter,  regular meals, soft beds, and attentive human servants. Train them using rewards (purrs, rubs, and the opportunity to stroke you) and punishments (hisses, ignoring them, and if necessary swipe and bite).
Start as you mean to go on. An intelligent kitten will have trained his human within the first four weeks to feed the correct food, change the litter tray regularly, and play enjoyable games with him. And all this without the human knowing that she has been trained.
Don't be too selfish. Allow them to share the bed with you. They make good hot water bottles.
Love 
George.
 

Good manners means starting at the nose not the tail.

Dear George, 
I wonder if you can help me with my human. I believe, if what I read on your admirable blog is representative, that she is not really any more stupid than the average for her species, but she seems unable to understand the correct procedure for eating wild food. My mother, a cat of impeccable manners and breeding, taught me that the correct way to eat a rabbit is to start with the head. Then, if your appetite is delicate, you can leave the body to be shared by your family. Amy Vanderbilt’s invaluable Complete Book of Cattiquette confirms that this is how prey is consumed in the best circles, and I have followed her additional advice to leave an eyeball uneaten for “Mr Manners.” My human seems unable to understand this basic concept and keeps asking me why I eat the head first. She seems unsatisfied when I tell her that this is simply the right way to do it. How can I make her understand? 
Yours ever, 
 Scaramouche

Dear Scaramouche,
Humans don't understand fur. They don't have any (except for some long fur on the head and some in the pits and pubes). Males have a few bristles and that it that. But mice and rats have fur - lots of it. If you eat it from the head first, the fur lies down flat. If you eat it from the backside forward, the fur gets ruffled up and makes it difficult to eat.

So it's not just good manners to eat that way: it's good practice. I do know of a bad mannered cat called Toby who starts in the middle. But he has lost 7 teeth and grew up on the street. You can take a cat out of the slum but you can't take the slum out of the cat. 
Keep up the good manners.
Yours respectfully, brother,
George.
PS. I leave the scut of a rabbit for Mr Manners.

Why is there so much animal abuse lately?

Dear George,
I  like to live my life in harmony & balance! I always thought that’s the right way and, silly me….I thought everybody else was thinking and feeling the same way! 

But I was wrong - lately there were lots of reports on animal abuse everywhere! 

What happened to humans? Why are they so cruel? My first human listed me on Kijiji 

I was lucky I was adopted by a kind human; usually no one knows what happens with the cats and dogs listed on such places. Usually they are bought to be abused and killed. 

Why are humans so sick? What happened to their soul and spirit?

Hoping for a miracle!

Gizmo

Dear Gizmo,

Human cruelty to animals is sickening. Here in the UK, an eighteen year old has just been convicted of torturing Jager, a Staffy dog, for a whole day - beating her, rupturing her liver, breaking her ribs, and burning her with a cigarette. He probably ended his torture play by strangling her - or so the RSPCA concluded after examining her battered dead body.
The magistrates sentenced him to a mere 18 weeks in jail and he will probably serve only half of that.
One of his family yelled in court: "He's only a kid and didn't know what he was doing' - which I think says something about the family he came from. The only sensible part of his sentence was that he has been banned from keeping animals for life. There's a petition asking for a longer sentence here.
Get justice for Jager.
Yours gloomily,
George  
PS. You look glamorous in that sink.