Showing posts with label sex. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sex. Show all posts

Sunday, November 07, 2010

Are teenagers a new subspecies of humans?

Dear George,
I am becoming extremely concerned. One of my humans seems to have morphed into a new subspecies. It was a smallish retarded kitten taking years to learn how to walk, then becoming a chubbier version of its parents. But now it has shot up in size and its behaviour has changed. The excessive vocalisation of the normal human has changed to grunts. It has dermatological problems on its face - in a word, zits. And it spends hours in its room playing disgustingly loud music. It is also challenging the adults for a top place in the dominance hierarchy. Is there anything I can do to restore harmony in the home.
Love Riley

Dear Riley,
You have two alternatives - leave home or wait. In view of the fact that it is winter in the UK, I suggest the latter. We cats are good at waiting. We do it at mouseholes in order to get out daily meals if we live in the wild. All humans are retards compared with cats, but the teenager subspecies is particularly retarded. It is as if it has forgotten what it learned as a kitten.
The subspecies also has sex on its mind all the time. Yes, disgusting as it is, all the time. We cats wait till the females come into season before getting the mating urge. Teenagers have it all the time. Some of them call it "romance". But they are completely at the mercy of their hormones. The loud music has something to do with this but feline neuroscientists have not yet discovered exactly what is going on.
Avoid the teenager's territory. The room will probably smell awful anyway - of sweat and old socks if it is a male, or of revolting artificial perfume if it is a female. Why humans choose these overwhelming pheromones is beyond me. But I suppose it is something to do with the fact that they have a very poor sense of smell, poor things. We have about seven times as many olfactory cells and twice the olfactory membrane of Homo sapiens.
Goodness knows, Riley, humans are dumb creatures. But the teenage subspecies is even dumber. Hang on in there till summer
Love George
P.S. I have to stand and mew at Celia while she puts this on via the Orange dongle.

Saturday, September 25, 2010

I need a friend ... j'ai besoin d'un ami


Dear George,

Your blog might be for cats but I kind of like it! Oh, sorry! Let me introduce myself;

my name is Oliver or in French ….Olivier (guess I need an accent aigue somewhere – not sure- just learning French). Recently I moved to Paris (France, of course) with my mommy. She loves my very much but I don’t have too many friends and I get easily bored. When not in Paris, we spend a good amount of time at the farm (near Paris) but I’m not used to village life either. Last week she took me to Louvre. I liked it (I could pee on the pyramid but don’t tell anybody). Next week will be another museum or something! I mean….how much “Louvre”, “turn Eiffel” “Montparnasse” can I take?

George, I think I need a friend. Should I look for another cute, little dog like me or a house rabbit? Do you know of any parks in Paris where dogs meet? May be I’ll meet the love of my life! O la la!

A bientot

Oliver


Dear Olivier,

Museums.... boring, boring, boring. Very few if any mice and those that exist as as poor as church mice, who face equally straightened circumstances. No rabbits to chase. Just lots of square things on the wall with labels Leonardo Da Vinci and the like. (Though Leonardo was fond of cats and some rather nice sketches of felines exist).

A house rabbit has interesting and gastronomic possibilities. Research your French recipes for lapin, then start trying to persuade your human that you need this kind of friend. I have been working on Celia but she says I should content myself with the very many rabbits that live in her garden. She says that when she has evidence that I have palled up with one of these, she will have some house rabbits. She pointed out that finding the half eaten rabbit corpse on her doorstep did not count as evidence of a fully functioning rabbit-cat friendship.

My online friend Samurai Raoul, (I dare not go near him as he chases cats), whose photo is on the right, recommends the Bois de Boulogne as a good place for a walk but you should warn your human about the dress code. It must be modest, otherwise she may be mistaken for certain people (male and female) who sell special services to male customers. And it is not a good place to go at night or when offices close, as this is married man's time, when customers pick up a quickie before catching the train home to their wife and family.

I am going online later today to ask Raoul for more tips on the canine vie Francaise (can't do the accents on this blog). He never goes off lead in the Bois, as his humans are dismayed by his fighting attitude. As a warrior dog, despite his small size, he attacks dogs three times his own size and, like us cats, takes no notice of any human instructions. But other dogs enjoy playing peacefully there.

Glad you peed on the pyramid. Why else would it be there? Such a nice shape with a lot of edges at pee height. Made for leg lifting. I dare say passing felines have sprayed there too.

Love

George


Thursday, August 05, 2010

Unhappy Persian seeks handsome lover


Dear George
Well, what a story I have to tell you! I've been terribly mis-treated. My name is Tia, and I am a very unhappy Persian! I'm still beautiful though. I hope tortie colourpoints are your favourite.
Anyway, on to my mistreatment. As I say, I'm a Persian. My human has decided that I should have kittens. She calls herself a breeder, whatever that is. Last week, I was doing my usual thing, you know the thing where we shout a lot because you boys won't pay us enough attention, then go to the human pets and rub against them until they scratch us, then roll about on the floor. Well, I was really enjoying myself! There was a nice boy down in the car park, but She wouldn't let me go to him. I told her what I thought in no uncertain terms, but she just told me to stop making that noise, that she wanted some sleep.
Anyway, the next day, I did the same thing again, and you know what my human did? She put me in my carrier, which I like, by the way, because it means I get to show everyone how beautiful I am when She takes me places, took me on a train and then a very noisy tram, and left me at a house where there was a boy cat! Well, he was very handsome, but George, there was only one thing on his mind, and he wasn't taking no
for an answer! He was nice about it though. He'd sneak up on me rather than pouncing. We even shared a litter tray, and some food! Now all we need is the wine. I don't know what that is, but the human always jokes about that when she goes somewhere with a boy.
He thought this gentlemanly treatment entitled him to certain privilages, but being an upper class lady as I am, I promptly turned around, hissed at him and sent him packing. George, I'm ashamed to admit it, but despite my good breeding and usually flawless manners, I even swore at him! He kept this up for the next few days, and my reactions were the same.
So my question is this. How on earth do I make my human realise that I choose the man and not her! I know she wants certain types of kittens, but honestly, the indignity of it! I'm quite cross with her.
Please help! I need training tips as mine aren't working any more. By the way, you do look rather handsome. Have you ever thought of becoming a daddy? I wouldn't swear at you at all.
Tia
Comments on mating tactics and general cheering up are welcome on my blog which is cuddlesandcatnip.blogspot.com

Dear Tia,
Alas, I cannot become a daddy. They've given me the snip. All part of the way humans control our sex lives, Hypocrites. They don't control their own. They think it is all right to have sex in and out of season - unlike us cats who wait for the right season. It's quite disgusting. and then they deny sex altogether for most of us. Why do we put up with them?
Humans claim that once a female cat is on heat, she is anybody's. And it is true that 80% of cat litters in towns produce kittens with more than one father. But that's not because we are anybody's. A peeping tom scientist in Italy who observed our matings said that half of us female cats just accepted any tom cat and assumed from that we did not make a choice. She ignored the females who did refuse some of the toms and she ignored the fact that half the females fancied all of the toms! Why not? That's a choice. We mate with more than one tom cat because it's the most efficient way to make sure that we get a good variety of kittens and maximise passing on our genes.
So get out there, Tia. If you fancy that tom in the car park, start trying to escape. Be very surreptitious about this. Don't let your human pet know what you have in mind. Best time to slip out will probably be when she comes home from work or with the shopping. She will be fiddling with the door key and as soon as the door opens, leg it.... Best of luck.
George.
PS. Posting a bit shorter than usual because my secretary has a painful finger bound up due to snapping the tendons of it. She'll be like this of 6 weeks or more.
PPS. Good comment by Wicky Wuudler below.

Saturday, June 12, 2010

At cat is better than a man.... purrsuasions.


Dear George,
I am concerned about my human, Denise. For a week or so she has been off-hand and uncaring towards me. She arrives home late after work, often smelling of alcohol. Last week there were two occasions when she failed to come home until the early hours of the morning. She smelled of male human - you know, that pungent male smell so different from the pleasant female smell. She greets me as if I was no longer the centre of her life. She does her household duties of cleaning the litter tray and putting out more food in a hurried and careless manner. She spends a lot of time vocalising in to the phone in a meaningless way and far less time vocalising to me.
How can I put right our relationship?
Hobbit.
Dear Hobbit,
In normal circumstances most human females know that a cat is better than a man - more graceful, more agile, taking up less space in the bed, and much much cleaner.
But I am afraid your human is showing signs of being on heat. In humans this isn't the monthly physical reaction that we cats understand, know and tolerate. (How much easier it would be if we could just spay them!) It is an emotional thing. Humans, unlike cats, are eager to mate throughout the year. They have no proper seasons. Instead of coming on call (the correct term), hastening off to the nearest group of males, and having a night on the tiles with several of them and getting it all over quickly, humans have a much more drawn out mating ritual.
The likelihood is that Denise has met some male that she fancies. The return in the early hours of the morning means she has spent the night with him. At least she has the good sense to come home, shower, dress and do her household cat duties before leaving again for work. And at least she hasn't given him a home.
What can you do about it? You need to counteract this with a mixture of guile and firmness. Treble your normal greeting rituals. Greet her with loud and pathetic meows. Rub all over her. Crawl all over her. Roll on your back. Generally give the impression of a cat who has suffered intense loneliness in her absence. (Yes, I realise you have probably had a nice day visiting the neighbouring pensioner who feeds you on the sly but she does not need to know this.). Leave some of your food uneaten. Give an unending number of sad looks towards her. You know the score.....
It is a worrying time for you. I will keep my paws crossed for a happy outcome.
Love George.

Friday, April 09, 2010

Love, celibacy, sex ... and the single cat.


Dear George,
Your comment on the Asian characters prompted me to search out the old comments you had posted, and then, what I could not read myself, I scrabbled out with my poor declawed paws from my human’s collection of dictionaries. She fancies herself a “linguist.” Apparently
humans believe that they can extract some sort of coherent message from their vocalizations, and so waste their time writing it down. I am pretty sure that these literary projects are rewritten by thoughtful cats, as they do eventually make some sense. Since you are unsure of my translations, I provide them to you. These are taken from the blog post of May 2, 2009, and are as follows:
1. Star Beach—Reliable site! Until now, people have been reluctant to play online, but HERE you can get to the ideal HETEROSEXUAL site…
2. Registration is required to meet many girls from all over! Free Free Free dating community!! Participate..;
3. Strongest available horse betting information! Real odds, real grades…
4. If you’re like me, you’re the type who likes the volatile nursery-tale older-brother character….[this one made me a bit ill, George, so I stopped there).
Following my efforts, I required a good rest in the window, to examine the juicy little spring birds, as you can see in the attached photo. The dictionary made as handy a prop as any. I hope this helps…
Regards
Puss-Puss

Dear Puss-Puss,
I have been naive. I have been foolish. I have taken humans on trust - always, always a mistake. When the comments first appeared in these exotic oriental scripts, I was excited. At last, I thought, my blog has become truly international. Cats as far away as Japan and China and other places are reading it. I wonder what useful advice they have been giving for the training and husbandry of their humans. How wrong I was.
I should have known from my studies of human ethology, that humans (or apes as Wicky Wuhdler calls them) are a species absolutely obsessed with sex, a species so unutterably perverse that they have no special season for it, and have invented unnatural ways to have sex without kittens. Truly, an inferior species, without proper feelings and without sexual boundaries.
Do we indulge in "dating communities" or "heterosexual online sites"? We do not. Those of us - and there are not that many in the pet community - who begin to feel a seasonal interest in sexual activity simply go out on to the rooftops and make the yodelling and singing noises that humans term caterwauling. We greet each other, meet each other, and under the light of the moon we make love in the natural way. The kittens are born a few weeks later.
I, like many cats who own humans, am celibate, a state that was inflicted upon me by my humans but one with which I am very happy. As a superior spiritual feline, I feel no need at all to take part in midnight sexual activites. If I did, I would let myself out of the catflap and respond to nature, rather than go online and seek out so called sites. As it is, I do not have sex. Nor do I bet. At all. And I am very upset to find that my blog has been hijacked by these unscrupulous low life humans.
Thank you for your hard work with the dictionary and I hope your declawed paws were not too sore. (For a site about the cruelty of declawing read http://kattaddorra.blogspot.com/ Not your current human's fault, I know). I am immensely impressed by your linguistic skill and scholarship, Puss-Puss.
I cannot seem to find a way to wipe these off, but at least no more revolting insights into human sexuality will defile the feline scholarship and good sense of this blog.
With gratitute,
George
I have added the photo of you resting after emailing me as well as you with the dictionary.

Saturday, April 11, 2009

How do you teach humans proper Cat English?

BoldDear George,
I’m an 18 years old cat (almost 19) and I’ve always lived (quite happily) with my male human and his best friend, Zack – a German Sheppard. Last summer…not only that this woman moved in…but she brought along two little Boston Terriers – her dogs. I was quite surprised of this move, since I couldn’t see what her role would be in our household. I watched her for a while and came to the conclusion that definitely she couldn’t be our new housekeeper since she didn’t even cook, she couldn’t be a “bodyguard” since we had Zack….so, what was she doing in here?
One night I’ve heard my male human introducing her to his friends as HIS WIFE. What wife? Is he crazy? Since when does he need a wife and what for? George, tell me why on earth do men bring home their wives? We, cats, don’t! If we feel like getting a wife….we go out, have fun for a week or so and, then we kiss goodbye “our wife”, we don’t bring her home. We won’t lose our independence over a heart matter, right? Anyway, from that moment on…..my problems just started.
So, first thing she said? “I’m allergic to cats” – ya! buddy, lucky you! I made sure that I always slept on top of her head with my paws “lovingly” wrapped around her eyes.
I was ecstatic seeing her suffering (but, I have to give her credit that she did so in silence). Second thing she said? “There are rules in this house – why this cat doesn’t have to respect any of them?” What? Is she kidding me? Obviously, she doesn’t know that “cats rule the house”. But….my biggest problem is that she doesn’t understand Cat English! See, at the beginning I thought she’s giving me some cattitude!
I like to have my breakfast early in the morning and served at room temperature. So, first time (after she moved in) when I ordered my breakfast…..she didn’t even blink! I started being more and more vocal and loud – nothing! I’ve seen her panicking and asking herself: “what does this cat want”? At that time, my male human was already at work. See…I always make sure he’s not around when I do this. I was enjoying watching her running erratically throughout the house, not knowing what to do. But, then, it just struck me; not that she’s a bad person or having some sort of cattitude but….she doesn’t understand me when I’m talking to her! SHE DOESN’T SPEAK CAT ENGLISH!
So, here is my question to you, dear George; “how can I train her in proper Cat English”?
I mean, do you know of any books? I know these days these kids are all into computers, internet, Ipods, etc…..but I’m too old for all this. Is there any old, good method to teach? As you very well know…humans’ intelligence is quite limited (as is their vocabulary) They are not sophisticated beings as we, cats, are. My guess is that she is not very skilled at languages since the only language she speaks is …..dog English!
George, how did you train Celia? I can see that not only she understands all your orders…..but she’s good at typing your advice as well. Do you dictate to her or you give her written notes? May be I shall start carrying around little “written notes” like little flags (hopefully she’ll associate words with sounds).
With much hope,
Sebastian

Dear Sebastian,
Don't get me started on the human sex life. They are revolting. No proper times and seasons. Just up for it all the time. Can't decide whether they are monogamous or promiscuous. Confused... that is what their sexuality is. No idea that the proper decent thing to do is wait till the proper time, then go out and get it, as many times and as many matings as possible so as to have a nice little genetically varied bunch of kittens. Poor humans.
But can they speak cat English? There's a huge controversy in the cat world about whether humans understand language at all. They vocalise a lot. But they don't seem to understand the language of scent or feline body language. Dogs catch on to both fast, but though they are intellectually limited compared with cats, they are not as dumb as humans. Cats have tried to train humans using exaggerated body language or exaggerated scent messages (spraying in the house) and there are some signs that the former may work with some humans. But scent language seems beyond them. (The strange thing is that humans are trying to teach chimpanzees to use human vocalisation! Odd species, aren't they?).
As a start I suggest you get my book,
One Hundred Ways for a Cat to Train its Human (details on www.celiahaddon.com). It tells you how I trained Celia. Then start working with really simple instructions. My feeling is that you will get on better if you give up the idea that she can properly understand. Personally I think we attribute understanding to humans, when they are simply observing us carefully and interacting in a relatively unthinking way on the basis of simple learning - operant conditioning, as it is called. They do what works but they don't actually have mental concepts as we do - there's a bit about this, Fat Ada's canon, on the right hand side of this blog in red..
So just concentrate on simple human training - with reward and punishments. When you have established the right human behaviour, you can stop rewarding every time and put your rewards (purrs and rubs) on a variable schedule. This is known as intermittent reinforcement and works better in the long run that giving rewards every time. A bit like treat 'em mean (or a little mean) and keep 'em keen.
Best of luck, Sebastian. Remember, humans are happier when they are properly trained.
George

Thursday, July 10, 2008

How can I stop my humans interrupting my sleep with you-know-what?


Dear George,  
What is is with humans and their sex lives? Have you noticed how out of order their sexuality is? Most proper animals come into season once a year (perhaps a little more if they live in the tropics), have their babies, suckle them, nurture them, and  have a decide period of quiescent sexuality while they are doing it. The males wait for the humans to come on heat before getting rampantly sexual. When the females are not on heat, they don't bother them with sexual demands. Admittedly, because we have moved in to live with humans, we come into season more than once a year, but WE DONT DO IT ALL THE TIME! I wish they would stop it - it interrupts my sleep at night. Advice would be welcome.
Portia.

Dear Portia,
Human sexuality is shameless. Always has been. No self respecting animal would behave like they do. Something very weird has happened to this apparently intelligent (or so they claim) primate. They have lost the rhythm of nature. Their sexual behaviour patterns are haywire. They have sex all the time -- when the females are on heat, when the females are not on heat, when the females are too old to menstruate, when the males are too young to vote
Unnatural. That's what I think.  Unnatural and very weird. Frankly, humans are a lower form of life.
We cats are not perfect. Those of us who live the outdoor life on the streets or in the fields come on heat more than once a year but it is basically still seasonal. Any cat rescue organisation will tell you that kittens start turning up in March and stop turning up in the autumn. More or less, anyway. Where humans have interrupted our natural life, by taking us to live indoors or keeping us in breeding establishments, then kittens will be born out of season.
Even so, we don't do it all the time.
We have sex when the female is in a natural condition to do so. She has come on heat and that stirs up us males (well - a bit embarassing to say this, - but not this male. I was snipped). Nights of passion follow with caterwauling on the roofs and females flirting around the toms. Then peace returns, kittens turn up and there is a gap before it all starts again. But there's no let up with humans.
My advice to you is to take firmer control of the bed. As an Alpha cat you will already be sleeping in the centre of the bed. Finesse this slightly. Make sure you are sleeping BETWEEN your humans. Spread yourself out. Be ready to administer disciplinary claw and order in the middle of the night.
If that doesn't stop them, do a shriek. The female will probably push him away and attend to you instead.
I just wish we could neuter and spay them, like they do us. They would be so much happier.
George

Thursday, June 21, 2007

The female prisoner next door ... William writes


She did it again. Banged us up without mercy for several days. George, for whom I have little time, behaved a bit better this time. He seemed more resigned and spent less time involving me in unworkable silly escape plans that would have made my life in prison even worse than it was. I didn't have to bite Gill the Cattery once, because he didn't set me up to it like last time.
George spent most of his time prancing up and down striking attitudes to impress the white and black cat next door. She seemed pretty unimpressed, I thought. She was bigger - and fatter- than him. I think he found it difficult to accept that a female wasn't interested. Obviously we are all - me, George and her, neutered and therefore on the side lines of the sex war. But there is a frisson of sexuality none the less.
She seemed more impressed by me, I thought. Something in the way she would stretch up full length when she saw me. Some females fancy the older tom. We are calmer, more tolerant, less reactive. I let George strutt his adolescent stuff which included some very rude goggling. I concentrated on more sophisticated eye contact. I didn't stare. Staring is bad mannered as all cats (and a few knowledgeable humans) know. I just did a quick eye flash and then lowered them, as if to say "I am the sort of cat that might be friendly, if you played your cards right." I think we came to an understanding - distant but warm.
There was another neighbour cat. I didn't think much of him. He had a moustache like Hitler. But I must let George have his say.

Help for cats whose humans show behaviour problems.

This blog is devoted to the study of human behaviour. We cats, who live with this sometimes unpredictable and always feeble minded species, can benefit from seeing their behaviour in its proper scientific context. The study of feline dilemmas, training problems, and difficulties with humans, can only benefit all of us. All of us train our humans - to buy the right food, for instance, but many of us do not have knowledge of how to improve our training methods. The human species is obviously not as intelligent as the cat, but nevertheless can learn quite a lot - if properly managed. Topics of interest include the use of claw and order, purring as a human reward, rubbing your human up the right way, when to bite, spraying as a method of making our wishes known, ignoring the human, human harassment, human inattention and sheer human stupidity. I welcome your questions. Photos can be sent via my secretary's website, www.celiahaddon.com This blog has been chosen as one of the top 50 feline blogs by Online VetTechprogramms.org