Showing posts with label human stupidity. Show all posts
Showing posts with label human stupidity. Show all posts

Saturday, August 31, 2013

Emergency - a vicious kitten and a sadly demented human

Dear George,
My household is completely upset by this small tortoiseshell and white kitten who has the impertinence to harass me
When she first arrived, it wasn't too bad. She was kept in quarantine with an infection so I just lost one room of my territory. Then she expanded her territory into a second room. As the weather has been fine that wasn't too bad either. I spent a lot of time out.
But the other day I slipped in after my human just to check out the possibilities of a second meal (found a few fragments as you can see). At first she just sniffed me then she started biffing me. She ran up and down the room landing small kitten punches as she passed.
It was very upsetting. I had to get the human to let me out. Me who is five times her size had to retreat. How can I get rid of her? She is a rescue foster kitten, but it is me who needs rescuing.
Yours,
Toby, Disgusted of Ringwood.

Dear Toby,
You have a problem and that problem is not the kitten, but your pet human. If she is moving into rescuing kittens, your home won't be your own again. Humans with a pathological rescue tendency fill the home with rescued cats. Sometime, when this human psychological condition gets too overwhelming, the place becomes a death trap - scores of cats, disease, and not enough litter trays.
Act now and act firmly. I suggest you spray along the door which opens into the kittens room. This should get a message to your human that you do not want the intruder in your life. If you do get into the room, do not let food distract you, biff back. You should be able to fight off a kitten without using your claws. Use your weight instead.
If you are lucky, this will be a temporary aberration and the kitten will shortly disappear to a new home. Cross your paws, Toby. And pray to that Higher Feline that looks after the welfare of cats.
Yours with sympathy,
George.
For sad news about Gerry read http://everycat.blogspot.co.uk/2013/09/gerry-little-cat-made-of-fun-farewell.html

Saturday, August 24, 2013

My human pet (I call him Daddy) stole my prey!

Dear George,
That’s exactly what happened; my human daddy stole my prey!
The other day I took up to some of your readers’ advice and jumped over the fence to discover the world beyond it. That alone made me a “bad, bad girl” – that’s what my humans told me. I had no idea that “jumping over a fence” will make me a bad cat!
Well, I was a bit confused and I thought of a way to make it up to them so I brought them a nice gift – a fat, young baby bird. Were they happy? I don’t think so as they start screaming and he almost kicked my butt (literally) pushing me outside and kept the bird inside. Is that the way humans manifest their joy and appreciation? Now I’m even more confused since I didn’t see the bird since then. What do you think he did with it? Obviously he stole it from me and probably pretended to my mom that he caught the bird for her…. while I was left outside waiting (see photo) like a cold turkey (metaphorically).
Now what? What should I do? Do you think they ate my prey?
Very confused
Zoe

Dear Zoe,
My blood boiled when I read your letter. I wanted to mew "Me too! Me too! They do it to me too!" This is an absolutely disgusting habit of humans. No, they don't eat it. They just take it off us, before we can eat it. And then.... can you believe it? .. they throw it away. A whole delicious meal just goes into the trash can.
I can see from your expression, with your ears back, that you have been horribly upset by this experience. This abuse often happens when you present a bird to your humans. Why? I just don't know. They eat plenty of chicken, which is just another big bird. But when we show resourcefulness and go out and get a bird of our own, they go berserk.
It isn't just the ingratitude of it. It's the sheer waste. Many of us have decided that our humans don't seem to like any birds smaller than chicken or turkey. So we switch to mice. Or even rats. 
There's nothing more delicious than a plump mouse but they never eat one! The human response to rodents varies between screaming and jumping on a chair, to scooping up the living rodent and taking it to the nearest park. As for rabbits ... the hysteria is the same.
My advice to you it is to take your bird somewhere in the garden where they can't see what you are doing. Then either eat it yourself or leave it there. 
Yours in utter frustration and fury
George.

Saturday, June 29, 2013

Difficulties with household staff - litter tray training

Dear George,
You know my humans, Merrie and Robin so I am writing to you for advice.  With the very cold winter they provided me with an indoor lavatory in the garage and at night moved it into the kitchen as I sleep in the breakfast room. They won't allow me on their bed any more as they say I fidget and wake them up.  When it got warmer and I was able to come and go more easily and visit my house next door without being carried because it was cold, snowy or wet, they had the cheek to remove the tray at night from the kitchen.  They thought as I was peeing in the garden again, Robin didn't want the bother of carting the tray from the garage into the kitchen.  Naturally I piddle in one corner when I wake up in the night or morning.  Why should I go out through the cat flap in the early morning when I am nearly nineteen years?  The staff have no consideration. They are putting disinfectant down  but I am continuing. 
Yours in disgust at human failings,
Lily.

Dear Lily,
We all have problems with staff. Incompetence and lack of intelligence are common human failings. There are so many human idiocies here, that I hardly know where to start.
First, the litter tray.You are an elderly cat and like other oldies (human as well as feline) you need to be able to get to the loo in time.  You should not have to struggle out in the frost in winter and the rain in the so-called British summer. So, you need a loo indoors in the warm - not too close to the food bowl. Do they have a utility room or  downstairs human lavatory that would be suitable?
Secondly... the disinfectant. Your staff are obviously totally untrained in proper cleaning. I love the smell of disinfectant and I expect you do too. Stupid humans who are smell blind think disinfectant smells of lemon or some other scent. We know that it smells of cat pee. So naturally, we pee on top of it. "Cleaning" cat pee with disinfectant is like putting up a notice "Pee here" for us cats. Tell your human to contact Celia's website on how to clean up.
In general, Lily, I wonder if your humans need more training. Human intelligence is severely limited and household staff really can't cope unless they are properly trained. Put more effort into this. 
Yours George
PS. Reclaim your bed. If you fidget, they can always sleep downstairs on the sofa or in the spare room. What is the world coming to when humans think they can take over our beds.

Saturday, May 04, 2013

Hot cars for cats - bonnets are inviting and safer than car boots

Dear George
I read with interest your advice to Caspar to stay away from car boots. Sensible advice, with which I entirely agree.
However, there is another aspect to cars which is much more cat-friendly than their boots. It is their bonnets. When cars come to rest, the front of them is warm and cosy. 
I live in a Cats Protection cattery, as one of the outdoor cats, and I appreciate the visitors' cars. As soon as one cools down, I move to another one. They are the equivalent of a heated cat bed with a better view .... costing nothing.
What are your views on this issue, brother?
Yours
Tyson

Dear Tyson,
The front of a car that has come to rest is a boon to outdoor cats, especially those whose pets do not supply a heated cat bed. As you say, they are warm, safe from passing dogs, and give an agreeable view of urban surroundings.
There is only one drawback. Some humans are ridiculously possessive of their cars and object to us using them. "Look at those paw marks. I shall have to get it cleaned," I heard a human wail the other day.
Odd isn't it? They used to kill leopards for their spots, and they often wear fake leopardskin dresses, tops, hats and even shoes. They enjoy the markings. Many items are sold with fake paw marks on them. And here we are, decorating the front of their cars for free, and they object. 
Inconsistent and wayward - that's humans for you. I consider their attachment to their cars to be dysfunctional.  But then what would you expect from a dysfunctional species?
You may be free from human abuse, since most visitors to a shelter are going to be cat lovers. But I would warn other cats to take careful note of the human beings that enter these cars and, while they are sunning themselves on the bonnet, move off sharply if these individual humans come towards them.
It's no good telling me all humans look like to you. They don't. That is specieism of the worst kind. Cultivate a more sensitive eye for human differences. Recognise and scarper from the individual car owner.
Yours
George

Sunday, April 21, 2013

Co-ordinated counter surfing and the unfairness of feline life

Dear George,
Toby and I do not get on very well. But we do have something in common. We have to eat boring cat food every day. So we feel it's an important part of our lifestyle to snack on human food. 
Yesterday we made a co-ordinated effort. Toby checked the counter surfaces, while I jumped on to the higher shelf where sometimes she leaves food (as she thinks) out of our reach. She had left the cupboard door open by mistake so it was worth looking there.  By chance there were only a few fragments, alas. I ate them while Toby licked up the two spots of milk left over from when she was making breakfast porridge.
Why do they think it is acceptable to feed us the boring food when they eat chicken, steak, rich pasta sauces, cream, milk, yoghurt.... 
Yours with a growing sense of injustice,
Tilly the Ugliest Cat in the Shelter

Dear Tilly,
Co-ordinated kitchen theft sounds good to me but for one unfortunate fact. As cats never share, if you find some tasty snack you will have to gobble it up fast before Toby gets it. However, in view of the unfairness when we compare what humans give themselves and the pathetic food they give us, counter surfing is a must for any cat who wishes to rebalance the food odds.
The human species has no real sense of justice or fairness. Have you noticed, for instance, how much space they take up on the bed. How they attempt to push us to the margins of it or banish us to the bottom of the bed, refusing to share the pillow.
It's the same thing with arm chairs. My human, having assigned me an armchair which is furthest from the log fire, expects me to sit there while she luxuriates in the warmth nearer the flames. Naturally, when she is not sitting down, I sit in what she thinks is her place. It's mine, not hers. She is deluded. But what is so unfair is that she then uses brute force to push me off it so that she can sit there.
I am currently working on a new technique which involves inserting my body at the side of hers. She thinks I am being friendly. I simper a bit and purr loudly. What I am actually doing is slowly pushing her to one side with the aim of first sharing, and then completely taking over the best chair in the room.
Yours in commiseration,
George

Saturday, March 30, 2013

Caring for your elderly human

Dear George,
As you know, George, I am a house rabbit living with two elderly humans. There's a lot of talk about living with an elderly rabbit but what about advice for bunnies about living with elderly humans? Every evening we play together and have cuddles on the floor. The last time she creaked her way down, she kissed and fluffed my rear bumper mistaking it for my head and ears. She soon realised what she had done and apologised but it was a bit of a surprise at the time. What if her eyes get worse and she doesn't see me near her feet and squashes me? I'll have to be more wary in the future because when I flop out both ends look pretty well the same. So they say. I'm going to doze now, put on my disapproving look  and worry about it.
Yours with some anxiety
Harvey
PS. This is a worry I did not put into my autobiography (buy it here). I didn't want her to read it.

Dear Harvey,
Elderly humans are a worry. There's no doubt about it. They require much more care than younger humans. You can't sit on their face, for instance, when having a nap - they might stop breathing altogether. Sometimes they can't even bend down to give one a proper pet.
Obviously your Janet is quite healthy for her age since she can get down to the floor.  Some older ones can't do that at all. Of course, she does show her age when leavering herself slowly back up again: that that's to be expected.
Specsavers. That's what she needs if she can't tell the difference between your rear end and the front with the head and ears. Her eyesight is obviously going wrong. That's another failing in elderly humans. That and arthritis.
And, of course, some of them lose it altogether. At the best of times humans have limited cognitive powers. Some of the older ones can't think at all. You have to step pretty smartly to make sure they don't fall over you but, if you are lucky, they will forget they have fed you and give you a second meal within a few moments.
Yours
George.

Saturday, March 09, 2013

Lost in translation - not the human movie but a cat dilemma


Dear George,
I am the latest addition to this family who lives somewhere in Germany. I am a rescue from a shelter and I don’t know my real name or my mother’s tongue. 
I was named Conrad and I can understand English (the human males speak it fluently) but I have a problem with German, therefore having difficulties training my female human. Just to give you few examples: “Pen” a very simple word becomes in German “Kugelschreiber”, or “butterfly” (since we like to chase them) becomes “Schmetterling”, or “petals” in German is “Blutenblattern” or “science” for that matter ….is “Naturwissenschaften”.
I’m afraid to ask what “meow” is in German. Who can take about half hour just to meow one word? I was told that it is the most logical and beautiful language. No doubt about, but, when I’m hungry I don’t need to spend the whole day just trying to pronounce “food”. I’m lost in translation and I wonder if you can give me some ideas how to simplify my communication.
Auf Wiedersehen (you see? Why not as simple as….“bye-bye”?)
Conrad

Dear Conrad, 
Personally I don't bother much about the vocalisations of my humans. They are at it all day - blah, blah, blah, blah. A noisy species making nonsensical noises. I focus solely on the vocalisations that matter. 
The vocalisations which can lead to some rewarding experiences are: 'Food', 'Catfood', 'Whiskas,' 'Fish', 'Fish n Chips,' 'Steak', 'Chicken.' You will have to compile your own key words not just because they will be in German, but also because they will vary from household to household. For some people 'Whiskas' might not be important while 'Felix' was. These are both names for cat food in the UK.
Equally important - perhaps even more important - are the vocalisations which mean an unpleasant experience.  'Vet' is probably the most important of all. At the sound of 'Vet' I ease myself out of the door, go out as far away as possible, or hide if the cat flap is closed. I have also had to learn 'V.E.T.' the sound when they 'spell out' the vet word. Other warning sounds are: 'Carrier,' 'Dog' and in my case 'Sister. She smells of dog and has a tendency to want to harass me with unwanted affection.
So get to work. The fact that these German words seem rather long winded is going to be helpful to you. As the occur in the blah-blah-blah, there will be more time for you to pick them out and take appropriate action.
As for your vocal commands. Just don't worry. Keep them easy to the limited brain power of humans to understand. That means, for instance,  a special sounding meow for 'Food now', another for 'Open the door,' and a third for  'Leave me alone.'
Keep them clear. Keep them concise. Keep them consistent. This is art of human training.
Yours George

Saturday, March 02, 2013

Horror story that turned into a happy one ☺

Dear George,
I’ll be very short as 
I’m exhausted after putting up with my human’s craziness lately. Last week I was quite devastated as I learned that my human decided to move in with another human. Phew! Not only that moving is, generally speaking, very stressful but, I found out that “this special someone ” has three rescued cats! That means….me….moving out from my house and into a new one ….where I will live with three other cats? Impossible! Do you think my human is crazy? Do humans suffer from some kind of eclipse of the mind? Absolutely yes! I can’t tell you how many horror stories I was envisioning. I can’t stress enough how many bad dreams I had and how many sleepless nights!
Finally last week I got to my new destination. The house seems to be very cozy and “the significant, special other half” seems to be a very kind and nice human, well trained in attending to our needs. I was welcomed into my new space by two hissing older cats (both males) and a cute, little girl, called Princess. Princess immediately sided with me and we are inseparable now. We share the sleeping space, the grass, the food, the TV (as you can see in one of the photos attached). I’m happy now that I have Princess but, George, you must admit that not always is a happy ending to such a move.
I’d like you to explain and make me understand why people can’t live alone, why can’t they be just happy working to serve us better, be our obeying slaves?
Still wanting to punish my human!
Vegas 

Dear Vegas,
Your desire to punish your human is absolutely natural and understandable.  We really ought to get our humans neutered and spayed to prevent this sort of upheaval. They are slave to their hormones. Worse still, instead of going out for a night on the tiles and getting it out of their system for several weeks like we do, they take it all so seriously. They pair bond. Not usually for life but often for months and years at a time.
Most of us can live with the truly promiscuous human. They stay out late at night, sometimes only coming home in the morning. Some of them bring back a date, but we can often sabotage that by the simple method of jumping on parts of their anatomy or even interfering with what they are doing. Sitting on the pillow with a fascinated sneer on one's face often puts the males off their business altogether. Gentle patting of bare flesh also has an off-putting effect if you pat the right bit. The date often does not come back for more!
You have fallen victim to the pair bonding aspect of human relationships. And luckily for you it has worked out fine. You have a new friend and you have probably improved her life by giving her emotional support against the older cats. 
But it's a question of luck. Sometimes these horrific moves do not work out well. These humans are grossly irresponsible beings. In an ideal household, the staff have no right to relationships. A proper servant does not waver in putting the cat first.
Yours with sympathy
George

Saturday, January 26, 2013

Rules of cat ball games ...

George
I do find your advice so very comforting. What with being from Russia and used to moving in the highest circles, I am often at a loss to understand the customs in the house I now live in.
My latest problem is with ball games. My human hostess has been kind enough to provide me with these very nice snowballs (imitation, I know, but bless her, she’s trying her best.)
Now, I had always thought the rules of all ballgames are very clear: I sit on the table where the items are and knock each one carefully to the floor. My hostess then picks up the balls and replaces them, and we resume play until I tire of it. This is the right way to do it, n’est-ce pas?
Well, would you believe it, the Teenager who lives here doesn’t keep to these rules. He comes bouncing along and STEALS the balls when they are in play, hitting them all over the place and running along with them. He says he’s ‘dribbling’, which does not sound at all proper. Dribble he certainly does, and then rolls my nice white balls in the dust under the furniture. If the manservant can be bothered to retrieve them, they end up grubby.
I really don’t think this will do – dear George, what should I do?
Yours ever
Natasha



Dear Natasha,
Obviously the Teenager hasn't learnt the rules of cat ball games. Does he think he is a dog, perhaps? One of the differences between cats and dogs is that dogs play in groups. We don't. Well, the adult members of our species don't. We cats will play with humans but usually not with other cats. Your adolescent house companion is just failing to behave properly.

The solution is simple but does require you to exert your authority. Get your humans better organised. Your human hostess should continue playing with you, while the male manservant plays with the Teenager. This may have to occur in separate rooms, or, if the Teenager has some manners (and many adolescents don't) at either end of a largish room.
LIving with another cat is always tiresome.  Living with an adolescent cat is very tiresome indeed. The snowy weather is probably making the Teenager even worse than normal in his behaviour. If somehow he could be purrsuaded to get out a bit more and slaughter some wildlife, you could get on with playing your game with the hostess.
Yours with sympathy,
George 
PS. Harvey the House Rabbit has had issues with Google who claimed he was too young (at the age of 10) to write a blog. He is back at http://harvey-diaryofaninspirationalbunny.blogspot.co.uk/

Saturday, January 19, 2013

Feline artist's model - I resent being dressed up

Dear George
What’s wrong with humans? Why are they so different than us? The other day my female human, who, by the way,  pretends to be an artist and keeps painting strange portraits of cats, asked me to be her muse for a portrait! Ugh! Well, not only that I resent staying still for long periods of time (because of her inabilities as an artist) but, I resent very much to be dressed up. Look at my photo with that horrible collar and you’ll understand! She had the guts to convince me that horrible thing it’s a “Victorian style collar”! Ha! As soon as I critiqued her knowledge and turned my back to her no-sense attempt of art she got really upset. I even thought for a moment that I won’t get any dinner.  Later that night  when she started being nice to me and rubbed my belly talking sweet talk I got really worried; I knew she’s up to something! Man, you can’t trust these humans!
Then I’ve seen what she was up to – take a look at my photo behind the bars!
George, is this a proof of her love or craziness?
Please help me understanding my human!

CAT Victoria

Dear CAT Victoria,
The key to understanding any human is to realize that their species is a primitive life form.  They don't think like we do. They can't think like we do. Their brains are overloaded with unnecessary ideas, which in their arrogance they call "higher order thoughts." Actually, these are ridiculous thought forms that get in the way of a natural and adaptive life.
So, instead of getting on with her duties as a housekeeper to you, Victoria, your human is time-wasting with ideas about art. Regular delivery of cat food and belly rubbing (when she finally got round to it) are the activities that she should be concentrating on. But her absurd human brain has got in the way.
Art, though it may be a distraction from what matters in the cat-human relationship, is one thing. Dressing up cats is another. Yes, of course, it is crazy.
I have a theory that humans are so devastatingly envious of our natural coat of fur, that they sometimes cannot help themselves. They start dressing us up, in order to pretend to themselves that we look better in clothes.
We don't. Next time you see that damn collar coming anywhere near you, Victoria, hide under the bed. Or put your back up and strike out with all four claws. This human behaviour requires punishment.
Yours sympathetically
George

Thursday, December 27, 2012

New Year

Dear George,

My name is Kiki and I’m an 11 years old aristocratic and cute girl. I’m generally speaking in good spirit and everybody spoils me as no one can resist my charms.

My family took a short vacation before Holidays (of course they came back to spend Christmas with me) and …..for the first time ever they left me with a cat-sitter at her place. Well, this cat-sitter (she is a family friend after all) got to my nerves and I didn’t really need any emotional up-set! Again…..generally speaking… I’m well balanced and calm as you can see in the photo attached but this woman was way too much for me!

Here is a short list of complains against this creature: she won’t let me sleep in her bed!  Yes, that’s true but I will never sleep on the floor or carpet so I had to sleep on a sofa in the living room. In the morning I will stretch waiting for her to rub my belly! What was she doing? She would say “good morning Kiki – such a glorious morning.” Who cares about the bloody morning if I won’t get my belly rubbed? Then ….she would have her coffee before she’ll serve me breakfast. Where on Earth did she learn her manners?

I think she’s nuts but can’t tell my family since they are friends. However, I made it my New Year’s Resolution to teach this “bad manners” cat-sitter proper manners!

So, dear George I need some good advice! What should I do? It seems that she enjoys being ignored so I won’t give her satisfaction but I don’t feel getting too close to her either. Should I shred her skin (maybe just a bit)? Should I bite her? How can I take revenge but teach her something?

Yours truly and lovely

Kiki


Dear Kiki,
Call her a cat sitter? More like Mrs Danvers in Rebecca (the movie) in my opinion. Of course, it is partly the fault of your pets.  What gives them the idea that they can leave you anyway? And why did they fail to leave proper instructions. A good human pet leaves the equivalent of a small booklet, taking the live in carer through every moment of the day. These are the topics that should be covered in depth:
  • Food. Exactly when, how much, and any additions like sprinkles, treats, etc. It does no harm for the human slightly to expand the amount of food offered. As a gesture to make up for their irresponsibility in leaving you in the first place.
  • Strict routine. All cats are fed first in the morning. Most human pets know this. It is essential not just because we like it, but because it helps keep the human in their proper place low down the pecking order. Cats eat first.
  • Beds. Of course, it is not acceptable that you have to sleep on the sofa. She should sleep on the sofa. After all, it's your bed, not hers.
  • Doors. Cats go through doors first.If you have a cat flap, the carer should nevertheless let you in and out by hand. It is part of proper human domestic duties.
These difficulties occur when untrained domestic servants are put in charge. A sharp nip or two might be in order but your aim is not to discipline or train this human. She is beneath your notice. What you do need to do, is to show your extreme displeasure and distress when your humans come home. 
Refuse to talk to them. Sit with your back to them. Ignore them. Give them the silent treatment for several days. They deserve it. If any visitors arrive, be all over them just to make the contrast more vivid.
You must feel a sense of having been let down badly. You were.
Better luck in the New Year.
George.

Saturday, November 17, 2012

Stressed, unhappy and never off the litter tray... what's going on?

Dear George,  
I am a very troubled boy, and I hope that you can help me.
 I lived in a nice house with my human, and I liked it very much. I had all my things around me, direct access to the garden and I was very comfortable and relaxed there. It was my house – my home!
 Then about 8 weeks ago, there was lots of disruptions all my things were packed away and I was put in my cat basket and taken to another house – a strange house, with lots of strange smells…and none of them my comforting home smells. Obviously I was distressed by this and began meowing continuously to my human and pacing up and down the rooms. My human tried to comfort me by stroking me and talking softly to me. She also put down worn items of her clothing in different rooms so I could smell her everywhere around the house, but it still didn’t calm me.
 As the weeks went on my agitation grew and I just couldn’t settle. My agitation was made worse by the fact that we are now living in a flat, so I have to go out of my house and down a strange ‘shared’ corridor to get outside. And there is another cat who lives next door to us that uses the corridor too, and he didn’t take kindly to me using it and spat at me. Now I am even more upset. My human bought some Feliway plug ins, and whilst they calm me down for a while, my anxiety comes back.
 I have taken to using my litter tray constantly, sometimes as much as every ten minutes, which has given me a very sore and irritated bottom and I sometimes have a bit of blood in my urine. My human is very, very worried about me and doesn’t know where to turn.
 A few months before the move, I got lost for a number of weeks before I was found and re-united with my human. I was a rather traumatised from the experience, but soon settled down back in my home. So I don’t know if this has anything to do with my reaction now at the house move?
 Can you help me George and help my human to understand why I’m behaving like this and not settling down?
 Yours tearfully,
 Thomas.

Dear Thomas,
There is few things more upsetting to a cat than moving house. There you are settled and happy in your territory, when suddenly your pet human stuffs you in a cat box and turns you out into a strange new place. All the smells are wrong. You don't know where anything is. And it feels very very unsafe.
Most of us hide under the bed for a day or two. But some sensitive cats like you suffer from stress-induced illness. All that going to the litter tray is, I fear, a sign of cystitis. Vets (loathsome people) call it FIC, Feline Idiopathic Cystitis.  "Idiopathic" just means "we don't know the cause." But we cats do know the cause. It's stress due to house moving.
The earlier trauma of getting lost will not have helped. That must have been unsettling and probably also very frightening. Then this... poor Thomas. Even loathsome vets know that moving house is stressful for cats and can result in FIC.
Having to share the corridor with another strange cat (who hisses because he is frightened too) is another stress. Perhaps your humans could invest in a cat ladder letting you go outside from the window. Or put several cardboard boxes with entrances in them, where you can hide if the strange cat passes by. Or just keep you safely in the flat till you have recovered. My human's website has some suggestions for how to make indoor life more interesting for you.
Why humans insist on changing their territory is beyond my imagination.  They are a very insensitive species. Your letter makes me feel angry about their ridiculous behaviour.
They must reduce your stress and read the instructions at  http://www.catexpert.co.uk/cats/reasons-why-your-cat-feels-stressed-and-unhappy-and-what-to-do-about-them/
Yours with sympathy,
George.
PS. We hate vets but this is one time when you need their help.

Saturday, November 10, 2012

Indecent? No cat can be indecent. That's human behaviour.

Dear George,
I know it’s been Halloween again and I’m black but I wasn't concerned about the dangers or “tricks or treats” but my human pets! I have less to complain about “her” since she is beautiful, good mannered and very well trained in responding positively to my demands but I’m quite fed-up with him! Over the years I was accused (by him) for many things such as peeing in the plants’ pots or stealing food or biting people but NEVER EVER was I accused of being indecent until now! The other day I was sunbathing when he came shouting that I was indecent! He is such a prude! George, you be the judge! I’m a senor, I’m 14 years old not a kitten anymore! Did I go topless? No! I know most people in Hollywood go topless, I heard even the royals! Did I take my coat off? No! Then, what was his problem? How was I indecent? I think he’s jealous of me. The truth is that I am better looking then him; I’m black, long hair, huge green eyes! Him? Fair skin, short, fair hair (almost no hair) and blue eyes! Phew! When I enter a room… people gasp! Him? Phew! He doesn’t realize that I am the Alpha Cat and he is a mere housekeeper! George what should I do? Ignore him or better…. fire him?
Choppy

Dear Choppy,

Insulting remarks about indecency are out of order. We cats have sex in season only. Humans are up for it every day, in and out of season. What's more they are naked without fur, except in areas which highlight their private bits. You look perfectly decent in the photo.  If he was lying naked on his back, that would be indecency..
Ignore him. This is a useful training tool for us cats. Give him the shunning treatment. Refuse to share the bed or sofa with him. If he sits beside you, get up ostentatiously and move away. If you choose to stay in the same room as him, turn your back on him at all times. Should you make eye contact, give a withering sneering look. We cats are usually good at this. No more nice cat for him!
At the same time smother your female pet with love. Purr on her and at her. Climb on to her lap. Give her little cat kisses.  Gaze adoringly. Play with her hair (if she likes that). Make little friendly noises. Roll on your back if she so much as glances your way.
The contrast in your behaviour will be hurtful to him. As it should be. Only relent when his behaviour has reformed.
These humans... who do they think they are?
George.

Saturday, November 03, 2012

I'm a Bristol kitten - elite, special and very important indeed

Dear George,
I'm one of a group of elite kittens.... very special indeed. I've been enrolled in the Bristol kitten study. This means that experts will be checking up on my progress as I grow older. They will be able to tell if a good kitten education helps protect me in later life from stress and perhaps even disease. 
They need about 600 more kittens from the UK by the end of the year, so if anybody reading this has a new kitten get in touch with them. They'd love to hear from you.
We Bristol kittens are proud to be helping with important human research.
Love Tootles.

Dear Tootles,
Congratulations. Anything which helps Homo sapiens understand cats better is to be welcomed. I recommend that all UK kittens sign up here now. Humans need all the help we can give them, poor old things.
The human species is odd. Mine spends a lot of time on "research" at her computer when she is actually looking up Facebook and generally wasting her time when she could be tickling my tummy.  In short bursts - I only like about 30 seconds then I swipe her.
So don't let this human research fool you into thinking that humans are more intelligent than cats. We have innate and instinctive knowledge which far outweighs human wit. 
We know humans are stupid because they demonstrate it daily.
There you are sitting near the open cat flap. You make a polite meow to your human. There is no response. You make another one. "Why can't you use the cat flap?" they say.
No way is it worth dignifying that with a response. Why don't I use the cat flap? Because, you pathetic human, I don't choose to. You make a third meow. Finally the human servant does its duty and opens the door to you.
Don't spoil your human, Tootles. Train him or her in obedience from the very beginning. A good human pet should have the following duties - open the door on command, feed on command, get out of bed on command, leave the armchair for you on command, move over in the bed to give you more space on command..... and so forth.
Start as you mean to go on.
Yours
George

Friday, October 19, 2012

How to make guilt work for you... colour the house ME.

Dear George

I thought you'd be interested to hear how I've re-oriented my humans' home decoration plans to have a proper focus upon my needs. Tiresomely, they decided to extend the house last month. Cue builders, dust, banging and fearful smells. As you can imagine, I have gone out of my way to express my disgust. I have hidden in the wardrobe every day and refused to come out – even ignoring my male human's most earnest wheedling entreaties and proffered treats.  I know this hurts his feelings. 

I have also insisted upon being fed at the most inconvenient times, and have gone out of my way to get under their feet in the small room that now serves as a kitchen/diner/living room (half of the house is temporarily 'missing'). I have been sniffy, 'absent', difficult and aloof – all designed to impress upon them how deeply offended I am by these absurd Works.
Regrettably, I have been unable to stop the extension, which my people hopefully insist will be finished by Christmas (yet more proof – if more were needed – of how stupid human beings can be). On the upside, though, I've won an unusual victory in an unexpected quarter.
My people are hopeless with colours and decoration: everything's painted cream and white, because they haven't a clue about what looks good. After what felt like years of debate and argument, they finally saw what should have been obvious from the very start: that using ME as their colour palette is the perfect solution. My own rather attractive markings make clear that white and bluey-grey go frightfully well together. So now they're modelling the entire room on me. 
My female human keeps pretending it's so that my discarded fur won't be visible against the blue-grey kitchen tiles, but from the looks He keeps casting my way it's obvious we all know the Truth: That they're so deeply guilty about putting me through all the agonies of the build that they're doing me the honour of immortalising me in the kitchen décor.
My view? Well, I'm vaguely flattered of course. But only vaguely. In truth, as you'll agree, it's the least they can bloody do.

Herbie


Dear Herbie,
I must congratulate you on a splendid campaign of positive punishment (as we training theorists call it) towards your humans. You instigated a truly impressive series of tactics. Why did were they not effective? One possibility is that the punishment was too subtle. Had you been a large felid, you could simply have attacked them and produced serious injury. Alas, that tactic is not available to small felids.
Another less likely possibility is that the campaign failed to work due to the limited mental capacity of Homo sapiens. They may have failed to make the connection between the punishment and the Works. On the other hand their colour choice of British blue throughout suggests that they did have a glimmer of intelligence about your reaction. Perhaps they were simply in denial of the obvious, a frequent human failing.
I wish you well in the new kitchen. The fact that your humans feel guilt about it is a good sign for the future. Make 'em guilty, keep' em guilty, and eat all the extra food they give you "to make up".
Yours
George.

Saturday, September 29, 2012

Humans judge by looks, ability and colour: we cats don't

Dear George,
Have you noticed how odd humans are. I am three legged. I lost my right hand back leg in a road traffic accident. It was hell at the time and to begin with I found it difficult to cope. Now I can manage perfectly well. My other three legs enable me to do most of what I want - leaping on and off the bed and chairs, hunting mice, keeping warm by the Aga, rubbing up against my human, Jilly.
Yet humans have this odd attitude to me. "Poor little thing," I heard your human say. "She looks so odd without one leg. Does she manage all right?" All through this blather was a note of pity. Why are humans so obsessed with what we look like? Why pity?
Yours disgruntedly
Figgi

Dear Figgi,
Humans are visual animals. They can't hear very well and they find smelling almost impossible. The only smells that get through to them are urine, poo and sweat. Those fine smells that distinguish one cat from another, or a cat on heat from a neutered cat, or even the smell of an anxious cat.... they can't get it.
The result is that they rely too much on their eyes. Add to that they have an odd culture. (Yes, I call it culture though some cats argue that humans can't think and therefore don't have culture at all.)  They prize youth over age, the perfect body over the imperfect body. This means they discriminate among themselves against the elderly, the ugly, amputees, or those of a different colour.
They go to huge lengths to hide imperfections with injections of a poisonous substance in their faces, they have noses cut and reshaped, clothes that squeeze their shape, prostheses to hide amputated limbs etc. Among humans imperfect or disabled specimens are judged and found wanting.  They even try to do the same to us by inventing cat shows.
Cat wisdom show how foolish they are. Figgi, you are fine in my eyes. Just another cat. And I still love my pet human despite her now imperfect shape and wrinkles. She smells right which is what matters. I am sure you love Jilly, even if she is no longer a breeding human. They all look fine to us.
We really are the superior species.
George.

Saturday, September 22, 2012

She was trying to make me share my home with a street cat....

Dear George,
I am writing to you with an issue I have which has been tweaking at my conscience.
I appear to have ‘jealously' issues. Over the last 6 weeks there has been a stray cat hanging about outside my home, and every time my human opens the front door he runs over demanding her to fuss him and give him some food (MY food!!!!). He seems to get around her with his pitiful meow and big sorrowful eyes, and she gladly fusses him and feeds him daily. This sends me into a fit of jealous rage and I lean out of the bedroom window and hiss and spit at him furiously.
I know that I should feel sorry for him as he is without a home, is riddled with fleas and his coat is all matted and greasy and he has no one to love him…but I want my human to love ME ALONE, no-one else. I get into such a temper whenever I see my arch enemy, and my human bears the brunt of my fury too, as I nip and hiss at her whenever I know she has fussed him…so much so that she has taken the stray to Battersea Cat’s Home in order to find him a good home (and calm me down!).
Do you think I have a problem George? …Is my jealously out of control?
I look forward to your reply.
Yours guiltily, Sidney Baker
PS – I hope you can read my writing well enough, the crayon kept slipping through my claws.

Dear Sidney,
You do have a problem but it is of your human's making. You should not feel a moment's guilt. It is your human that should feel guilty. She has fallen into the trap of thinking that cats are as promiscuously social as dogs and some humans - though I dare say she would object as strongly as you have, it if you brought a homeless street person into her home. She is completely at fault.
Of course, you hissed and nipped when she walked into the home smelling of the intruder. What decent cat wouldn't! Smell is how we identify friends and foes. How would she feel if her boyfriend came home smelling of another woman? We, cats don't share with other cats unless they are relatives and not always even then.
You have done the right thing. You have expressed your feelings consistently and punished her when appropriate. That is what good human training is all about. Now reward her with purrs and rubs.
You are already generously letting her use your bed at night. Now snuggle up closer so she realises how lucky she is to have an exclusive one-to-one relationship with a cat as glamorous as you.
Yours approvingly
George

Friday, September 16, 2011

Dear George,
I have just had a traumatic encounter with a small group of hornets. One of them stung my human, which is only what she deserves for being so foolish as to take up power walking. I felt it prudent to dive into a hedge and stay there for the rest of the day. I would much rather have been hunting rabbits, my usual morning occupation, but the danger posed by these enraged insects quite upset me. My human thinks this is strange, as the things that scare other cats, such as dog, toddlers, lorries, loud noises or car rides, do not faze me in the least. Not that I was scared, you understand. It was quite unnecssary for the human to come out and find me hours later and carry me home for dinner.
Yours,
Scaramouche

Dear Scaramouche,
These flibbertigibbet humans! Power walking indeed. Why doesn't she take up mousing? So much better ergonomically. I have tried over the years to interest Celia in mousing by bringing in living mice, but she just doesn't get it. Instead of an invigorating hunt round the living room, she merely catches them in a wellington boot and puts them outside. (Mind you, I sneak out later and start hunting them all over again, so it's not all bad).
Wise of you to take shelter if hornets are flying around. Some foolish kittens actually hunt bees and wasps - a dangerous activity not indulged in by mature cats like you and I. Hornets really do sting badly and I am not at all surprised that you were emotionally upset. Of course, this upset was merely because you disliked them in your territory, not any wimplike fear!
Your duty is clear, Scaramouche. Get that foolish human of yours to call the local wildlife people in case the hornets are a rare species. Get their advice and see if you can rehome the hornets (or something) in a better place! Creepie crawlies, even the buzzing kind, have a place in our world. I like to see the odd bee and wasp. And I enjoy crunching up flies and such like. Quite tasty.
Not so sure about the power walking, though. Shouldn't she be busy shopping for cat food?
Yours
George

Saturday, July 23, 2011

Why is Richard so mean to me?

Dear George,
I’m lost in confusion and I need your help. I’m a pure breed or so I was to
ld, apparently expensive too. I got to my new home (a while back) where I was welcomed by “hisses” from no other then Richard, self-named the Lionheart. At the beginning we lived in separate rooms but now we share the house; he is my brother (not my choice). We play a lot but he always wants to rule – he thinks he is the king! I think he is such a mardy! I’m a young, cute kitten and I think he should be nicer to me. When my human mommy is not around I’ve been called ET (whatever this means) or “ugly”. Richard is making fun of me by saying that I’m a “pure breed experiment gone wrong”
He says that he’s “the wild and handsome one”! This is cruel.
What should I do? Should I tell mommy?

Confused
Luna

Dear Luna,
I blame your humans.... they probably thought Richard would like the company. Humans are disgustingly and undiscriminatingly social. They eat together and hang out together all the time. It's quite horrifying to see them in a sort of pack. Irresponsible socialising is their thing. And they think we cats are like them.
Well, we are not. We don't hang out in packs. We might hang out with another cat if we had met in kittenhood but, even if you think Richard is your brother, it is unlikely. Where is your hair? Besides, if we cats are allowed to mate with whom we choose, a litter of kittens can have several fathers. (Humans reading this should remember the survey which suggested one in five children was not fathered by the man who thought they were his! So no sneers about promiscuity, please).
Sometimes we do learn to be friends with other cats: sometimes we just remain aquaintances. Richard was quite rightly upset when a small intruder, you, turned up in his territory. Luckily your humans are not as dumb as most of their species and they introduced you the right way. Richard will eventually calm down (as long as the humans don't punish him) and you will work out a relationship which allows you both to live in the same house. Have patience. Be confident in the feline ability to adapt to most things.
Rolling on your back is a very good idea. It will show Richard that you are not going to pounce on him. And, if things got really bad, you have all four paws with claws to fight him off.
Love
George

Saturday, November 27, 2010

If cats could only sue.....


Dear George,

My name is Ross and I was adopted as a kitten from a Humane Society. I travelled the world (two blocks around my house) and now, I’m studying to become a lawyer! Look at my sharp eyes! Can you see “the judge” in me?

So, dear George, if you continue to have problems with your lovely, but sneaky secretary just let me know! You can sue her and I can represent you! I’m really good in “criminal code”. THAT will put an end to her mischief!

So, what do you say?

Law abiding

Ross


Dear Ross,

I like the idea. I really do. Of course, it is obvious to us cats that we should have locus standi or legal standing in human courts. Only in that way could we, or any other animals, have any chance of ending human cruelty, neglect and exploitation. Only in that way could our current inadequate legal protections be properly enforced.

This idea has been put forward by Harvard Law Professor Cass R. Sunstein in a paper titled The Rights of Animals: A Very Short Primer. You can get the full document at http://papers.ssrn.com/sol3/papers.cfm?abstract_id=323661 It's worth reading. He is a friend of President Obama, (who has shown a regrettable preference for dogs).

We cats would still need human representation at court (human judges being too stupid to understand us) but at least the point would be made that the victim is allowed access to justice. Like slaves we have no rights at all in the eyes of human law. At the moment there is no justice for animals except when various humane societies bring a court case. In deciding whether to do this, these organisations naturally take into account not just the nature of the crime but also whether they have the funds etc. If we could sue direct, all we would need to do would be to purrsuade one single human, rather than an organisation, to put up the money for the case.

One other point. Should humans have locus standi in feline courts? I think not. I do not think they have the intellectual capacity to understand what is going on.

Now let us turn to Celia, my erring secretary who has stolen my ideas and put them into a book, Cats Behaving Badly. This would be a question of copyright law, rather than cruelty or welfare law. In the UK courts to be successful I should have to prove she had stolen, not my concepts but my very words. I consider it might not succeed.

Besides, she is my pet. I love her even though she is maddeningly stupid, unreliable, a poor servant, and more or less bald. She can't help it. She really can't.

Yours with mixed feelings

George

PS. Cynical cats have told me that they think this is just human lawyers thinking up new ways to make money.

Help for cats whose humans show behaviour problems.

This blog is devoted to the study of human behaviour. We cats, who live with this sometimes unpredictable and always feeble minded species, can benefit from seeing their behaviour in its proper scientific context. The study of feline dilemmas, training problems, and difficulties with humans, can only benefit all of us. All of us train our humans - to buy the right food, for instance, but many of us do not have knowledge of how to improve our training methods. The human species is obviously not as intelligent as the cat, but nevertheless can learn quite a lot - if properly managed. Topics of interest include the use of claw and order, purring as a human reward, rubbing your human up the right way, when to bite, spraying as a method of making our wishes known, ignoring the human, human harassment, human inattention and sheer human stupidity. I welcome your questions. Photos can be sent via my secretary's website, www.celiahaddon.com This blog has been chosen as one of the top 50 feline blogs by Online VetTechprogramms.org