Showing posts with label cats train humans. Show all posts
Showing posts with label cats train humans. Show all posts

Saturday, March 16, 2024

Cat photos for free book return!


Sometimes - just occasionally - humans do something clever. So the George Online Cat Award for March 2024 goes to some of the public libraries in the US.

Instead of fining humans for returning books late or damaged, they are accepting pictures of cats instead of money. They reckon they will get back more books that way. (Details here)

It's part of Massachusetts libraries'  Meowness month of March. It doesn't have to be a cat photo. It can be a drawing, a painting or just a magazine picture of a cat. In return for this normal fees for lateness of damaging a book will be forgiven and their library card will be reactivate

Apart from my own best-selling book, I don't go in much for books. They are not soft enough to sit on and they take up space which I would prefer to see used as a cat retreat. 

But I have always treasured the silence in a good library and the way a good book can help my human sit down and provide a warm lap. 

So purrs and rubs to Massachusetts librarians.


 

 

 

Saturday, December 09, 2023

Christmas .... This is warning no 2.

The dangers of human Christmas have begun. My human is packing presents using ribbons. 

Bits of string are interesting.... if you poke them, they wiggle. And if they are not too large, you can chew them. Not a good idea. I spent Boxing Day last year at the emergency vet.

What had tempted me to swallow the ribbon was the fact that it was tied round the turkey to keep the legs close to the body. It tasted of bird.  So I didn't just poke it. I ate it. That was not a good idea.

Boxing Day was not a happy day. I loathe and detest all vets.

And the emergency fee, paid by my human was even more mouthwatering than the ribbon itself. I regretted that impulse to swallow the ribbon...

Then there are those other tempting items. Little fairy lights, tree decorations, and of course the tree itself.

If you climb up the tree you can bring it crashing down - quite fun if you enjoy teasing your human. But you can also get pine needles in uncomfortable places!

 

 

  • I've written a book too. A far better book than the one written by my human (see post before this one). You can get my superior book here


Saturday, September 09, 2023

Good news for cats world domination....


The human brain is getting smaller. They are beginning to lose their capacity to out-think animals. Read the scientific details here. This is very good news.

Our world take-over will speed up as their thinking capacity shrinks. Purrsonally I have seen signs of a shrinking brain in my human already.

  • She's getting testy, unable to tolerate frustration. Some felines wonder if this is due to the heat wave. I think it is due to brain shrinkage.
  •  She is much less energetic than she used to be. It could be cognitive dysfunction of the elderly but it also could be brain shrinkage of her species.
  • She is getting more difficult to train even though I follow the excellent manual One Hundred Ways for a Cat to Train its Human. 
  • Her general capacity to anticipate and fulfil my demands is falling away.

These, of course, are the unpleasant signs of human brain shrinkage but in the long view it must be a good things. 

Roll on the day when we cats take over completely.


Saturday, June 17, 2023

Training? I don't think so....


 My human says she is thinking of "training" me. Like a dog. A horrible idea. Some dogs are trained by cruel punishments or even electric shocks.

I talked to my friend Toby who has been through this process. He says I am seeing it all wrong. It is an activity which trains humans to come up with better food.

First they offer you a treat, then they have a code word which follows. After a little while, once you recognise the code word, you know that a treat follows.

This is when you start training them. You do something that amuses them - sitting up on hind legs, or following a target - they use the code word and divvy up the goodies.

It takes a bit of time before they understand it fully. But after a while, they get the idea...

And you get free food just in return for some absurd behaviour.

Simple. They think they are training you but you are training them.

Friday, March 17, 2023

The cat-human sleeping partnership.

 


Do we help humans sleep? This question has now been investigated by scientists who declare that we don't. Having a cat on the bed is more likely to give a human jerking legs.

But, of course, it is the wrong question....

The correct way to look at the feline-human sleep partnership is to ask whether humans help us sleep. And the answer is clear - yes, they do. Here are the reasons why:

  • A human body acts like a large hot water bottle, giving off useful warmth to the feline body.
  • When their limbs are arranged in the correct position, they can keep drafts away from the sleeping feline.
  • They are easily trained to move, while sleeping, so that we have more space, when we need to stretch out.

What can a cat do for a better night's sleep? Here are some suggestions.

  • If there are two humans in the bed, sleep between them to minimize drafts or unwanted human activity. Cats are a natural contraceptive.
  • The single human should be encouraged to curl round the sleeping feline body, reducing drafts that way.
  • Wake up snoring humans at regular intervals. there is usually a period of time before heavy snoring reoccurs.

Saturday, October 15, 2022

The delicacy of a paw touch

 


One of my many cat friends, Mr Nipper Spangles, is finding it hard to adapt his paws to a key board. He has tried sitting on it. He has attempted to use the tip of hi
s tail as a digit. He has tried to manipulate the keys by standing on several at a time.

To no avail. All that emerges on the screen is a series of meaningless scribbles.

True, when he stands on several keys at a time, the computer makes several strange noises. Clearly it is attempting to communicate vocally. But, says Spangles, it makes no sense at all. It cannot mew or miss or wail in the correct form.

What is the secret of my success at the keyboard? I want to be modest so I shall not mention my immense intelligence or my amazing patience. I will not even mention my days of practice when I was a kitten.

No. All I will say is that the secret of my success is delicacy. The delicate way I have learned to pat with my paw. Gently, Delicately. But with a feline firmness.

My paw work is so fine, so nicely judged, so precise that I am able to write this blog. To encourage other cats here is a photo of me at work. Note the delicate left hand paw.

My advice to cat bloggers is to accept the fact that you may not be able to type... get a human secretary.

Just use the keyboard to interrupt her when she is not paying you proper attention.

Saturday, August 20, 2022

I think therefore I purr


Human scientists
have had the audacity (and stupidity) to say that cats don't think. That we are mindless beings just driven by instinct  and unable to solve problems.

Sometimes it is difficult to grasp the full stupidity of the human mind!

Of course we think. We learn, don't we? We learn how to hunt rabbits. We learn that if we wind ourselves round the human legs and purr loudly, we may get a treat.

We learn to avoid the neighbour's horrible yapping dog. And we work out how to sneak into the cat flap four doors down, where the owner provides ad lib food for their own cat - which we then steal. 

We learn to recognise the name that a human gives us. When they call us, we turn our heads to see why - if we are not too busy. Sometimes, just sometimes, we even come when called.

Do we think? Of course we do. And it humans thought a little better than they do, they'd know that.


 

Saturday, September 25, 2021

We need choice


An essential for a happy feline life is choice... something which humans so often deny us.

Each morning I ask myself - shall I use the catflap or would I prefer my human to open the garden door for me?

Shall I use the human bed upstairs or shall I use the sofa? Or perhaps the cardboard box on the kitchen table? Or even the box that my human put for me on the top of the cupboard, after I used to spend time there without a bed?


Do I want a bed? Or shall I just lie flat out with my legs apart in a patch of sunlight in the living room? Or sit on my special cat lounge looking out into the garden.

Choice, you see. Make your human give you multiple beds and multiple resting places.

You know it makes feline sense.


Friday, January 01, 2021

It's a fur fur better thing.....

 

Shedding. It's what I and other cats do. Some of us, living in centrally heated homes, shed a little at a time. Those of us living outside shed in the spring, getting rid of spare hair ready for the hot weather. 


My friend, Toby, however, decided to do a big full-on shed just after Christmas. As you can see he has sort of wispy hair which is described as "semi-long hair." Just before the coldest time in the UK, the first and second week in January, he shed much of his coat - photographed here.

He's trained his human to brush him daily, when he lies down and exposes his tummy for the flea comb. In the course of these four post Christmas days, this is what she combed out. Had she been more conscientious (humans always try to avoid work) she might have combed out even more.

I asked him why? He said that he was trying to regain the natural life of his ancestors, Felis silvestris catus, when they first moved in with humans living in the Middle East.  January, he explained, is quite warm in Baghdad, the so called Fertile Crescent when during the first Neolithic settlements cats domesticated humans.

He added that he wanted to test his human's combing ability, which he admitted was not bad...

Saturday, August 29, 2020

Permission to pet - a new catumentary movie


 Do we consent to petting? - an important new documentary by George Online Cat, ie me. Using my paws to make this movie was difficult but I did it.  

OK, so my human helped a little but the inspiration was my experience. Humans must learn to ask permission to pet. We cats are sick of being picked up, or hugged or petted without our consent.

Please help me spread the word. Put a stop to human harassment. Help humans recognise the feline Yes and the feline No.

This movie is available on Youtube here



  • For more on the cat-human relationship read my guide here.

 

Saturday, August 08, 2020

Humans must envy us....


 

Miaow.... its International Cat Day. Today we celebrate the sheer elegance of cats.

Gorgeous whiskers like mine, so much more beautiful than beards. 

Soft delicious fur, which poor hairless humans do not have.

Ears that can hear a mouse's footfall and the ultrasonic squeaks of bats in the hot evenings and mice in the wainscot. Humans, as they age, cannot hear these at all.

Ears that grow fur out of themselves - wisps of beautiful fur that add to our elegance, unlike the hair in human ears.

Eyes that reflect moonlight back to the marvelling human that notices this. Eyes that are tuned to the slightest movement and can see in the twilight dark. 

A waving tail that helps us balance on garden fences or the boughs of trees. A sense of balance that far outbalances our humans.

A graceful body at all times. A body that is so supple we can clean ourselves all over, except for the head. We can contort ourselves so that we look at our intimate parts without using a mirror. 

Humans, don't you envy us?



  • Celebrate International Cat Day by buying my book here.

Saturday, May 02, 2020

Imitate feline social distancing

We cats have been social distancing for years. It is what we do. We timeshare space when we live in the same house as other cats.
Humans often don't notice us doing that. But often even if we share the large bed, we will share at a distance. We only eat close too if our stupid humans force us to.
We keep our distance from stranger cats - and spend many hours just staring at each other, occasionally breaking off the eye contact, before moving away to an even safer distance.
We practice safe space all the time.
Urgent advice for humans,.... imitate your cat. 



  • Read this book during the crisis. Order here.

 

Saturday, March 21, 2020

Make your pet an indoor-only human

We cats have all the space in the world: but humans should be kept in.
Keeping human pets indoors-only is a fashion that is sweeping the world. Yes, the world. 
For years we human behaviourists have advised that if humans are allowed to roam freely, hunting in supermarkets and in bars, they are at risk. They may enjoy being outside, but it is a risk to their health, particularly the health of the elderly pets.
Now the world is listening to our advice. Lock down your human.
So my guidance to all cats is simply this: Keep your human inside the house as much as possible. 
You can allow visits to the garden, if you bodyguard them to stop human-to-human contact. Garden exercise will help your pet avoid frustration. But that's all.
Indoor-only humans are healthier and more available for their home duties.


  • For more about managing your human, get my book here.

Saturday, September 21, 2019

Life of a feline artist - success.

At last... my book is officially published. A Cat's Guide to Humans from A-Z. And this time my name is on the cover. Feline friends can purchase it here. The more you know about your humans, the better.
Several years ago when I published a training manual for fellow cats (One Hundred Ways to Train your Human) my human stole the copyright and claimed credit.This time it is different.  I am now an acknowledged feline author.
It's been a struggle, I admit. I needed to take a cool look at humans in general as well as my particular human. There is so much in their behaviour which is alien and sometimes disgusting to a normal cat. I needed to set aside my natural feelings and study them without prejudice. 
Manipulating or managing a human is the basis of all good cat-human relationships. 
Now at last there is a guide.
I hope it will contribute to better feline understanding of this strange species we have domesticated.

Saturday, September 07, 2019

Advice to Larry the First Cat

Dogs look up to humans, while we look down on them. Why does this matter? It gives humans ideas above their station in life. Just look the disasters that have happened to the British Prime Minister since he imported a dog into Number Ten Downing St... It's pathetic to see a dog rolling on its back in front of a human. Or putting its face between its paws in a kind of bow. They can't help it. They seem to think that humans are some kind of superior being.  That feeds into the human idea that they own us. Own us? They may own the dog but they certainly don't own a cat. We live independent lives which we may choose to share with them. But only from a position of feline superiority.
My advice to Larry the Downing St cat is to institute an immediate obedience training programme for the new First Dog, while it is still a pup. Get in there with a few well timed paw swipes.
With luck, Dylin the dog will be out of Number Ten very shortly, but there's a chance he may wheedle his way back in after a general election.
Start a punishment regime NOW. 

Coming shortly - more canine advice in my new book.










Saturday, June 08, 2019

Feline party time across the pond.

Dear George, 
I don’t know about you but I’m in a party mood as we are ready to start our season of “summer garden parties” here, across the pond! As you can see in the photo attached I have the glasses and silverware ready but I’m having second thoughts about the menu! Should it be “finger food”? Buffet style? Mixed with my humans? They are big on summer parties. I’ve already invited few of my neighbours but I didn’t decide on the menu yet! I’m thinking maybe some lizards, grasshoppers (even if I’m afraid the humans will eat those as there is a real push for it in changing humans’ protein source) and, of course some juicy mice! 
The problem is that there are no mice around! You see, I live in a posh neighbourhood and mice are a “no-no” which will make them an absolute delicacy, an ultimate extravagancy on my menu! If I go for having mice on the menu that means I have to stay up few nights in advance and eventually wander off my neighbourhood in search of fresh mice! By the way, do they freeze well? What do you think George? Should I be eccentric and adventurous or should I let my humans cook and then just share their barbecued meats with my friends? Hmm!
Tough decision!
Your advice, please!
Yours….in good party mood
CAT Victoria 

Dear CAT Victoria,
In order to get your humans working properly, the easiest solution would be to share barbecued food of the kind they, not you, are used to. Many of the neighbourhood cats will enjoy stealing a hot sausage off the charcoal and levanting over the garden wall. Or just giving that wonderful feline imploring eye, which induces humans to cut off a bit of meat and hand it over.
Most Western humans are still uneasy at the thought of serving insects, reptiles and rodents - though these are on the human menu elsewhere in the world. Locusts in sugar are sold in the Far East and guinea pigs are enjoyed in South America.
If you must have mice, get your humans to buy these from a pet shop where they sell frozen food for snakes. You can choose from pinkies (no fur), fluffies (just a little fur) and big furry ones. My human once served these to me when I was temporarily anorexic and after defrosting they tasted just as good as the real thing caught in the garden.
Yes, mice freeze very well. But, even if you can stockpile mice bringing them into the kitchen, can you purrsuade your human to freeze them? My human just throws them out even before I can eat them! 
Yours 
George
PS. I have added a photo of my friend Tilly stealing a slice of dry bread.
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Saturday, March 09, 2019

Outrage - humans call us psychopaths.

Dear George, 
I’m really pissed at humans! Just because they are incapable to understand us they think they have the right to call us “psychopaths”? How do they dare to judge us based on a human mental disorder? I came across this article (https://www.theatlantic.com/science/archive/2019/02/cat-psychopaths/583192/) and I could not believe what I was reading nor could I believe that someone created a survey to find out why people think cats are psychopaths! I have to say one thing: if they truly think we are then, this is because of them! We mirror humans! How about this
George, what’s your take on this? Did we so miserable fail in training humans? 
Bijou

Dear Bijou,
It is one of the worst side effects of our campaign for world domination. We have almost completely taken over the internet but we have failed to train our staff (video producers and marketing people) sufficiently. They will post stuff that is offensive to cats because they are blind to reading our body language.
Humans don't understand us. They keep comparing us to dogs - comparing like to unlike. It's not fair and it's not clever. I have booked my human into a TV programme with the ridiculous name of Psycho Kitties. I have instructed her to do her best to put the cat's point of view. It will probably be edited out anyway, but at least we will have tried....
Humans are psychopaths - the ones that neglect, kick, torture or kill cats. Cats are just cats - a species with their own wonderful behaviour.
Yours
George
PS. In the afterlife they will have to explain themselves to the Big Cat in the Sky. She has claws as well as soft paws

Saturday, February 23, 2019

Do they know we love them?

Dear George, 
Last week was Valentine’s Day and my humans gave a cozy candle-light dinner for me. We shared the food less the chocolate cake but that’s all right as I love better my healthy cat treats made with wheatgrass and catnip!
It is true thou that no matter how dummies our human pets are we still love them.
We know, for example, how much you love Celia. And that’s all right too. You let her get away with lots of things out of pure love. I’m sure we all try to tell our humans every single day how much we love them but I’m not sure they all understand. 
Since you are the human behaviour expert what’s your opinion? Do they understand why we head butt them? Or why we purr loudly? Or kneading? Or giving them those little “love bites”? Or cuddle with them with our tummy up? What do you think?
I’ve turned upside down (as you can see in the photo) to understand them and understand their signs of love. How do they tell us “I love you”? What signs should we look for?
Cheerily,
CAT Victoria

Dear Victoria,
How far do our humans understand that we love them? They are pretty dumb when it comes to understanding our behaviour, partly because they are so blind to our body language. They sort of understand purring, head butting and kneading. But how many humans do you know, that can distinguish between the slow blink "I love you" and the fast blink "I am frightened so I am cutting off eye contact?" Not many, I fear.
So what are the signs that they love us? Well, they are very vocal and most of them pitch their voices a bit higher and sort of croon a little when they are "talking" to us. Rather like the way they "talk" to babies. Then there is stroking. The best humans know where we like to be stroked and do not stroke in places some of us dislike - the tummy or the backside under the tail. Then there is food, of course. Humans that love us feed us. 
However even loving humans take us to that horrible smelling frightening vet surgery where we are stabbed by needles....  We have to realise that our human pets are sometimes difficult to understand and accept them with all their failings.
Yours 
George.

Tuesday, January 08, 2019

Normal service will be resumed on Saturday.

Due to my secretary's shameful absence of mind (she told me I had given her too much work to do), last Saturday's blog entry did not take place. As loyal readers know, I tried to use a computer when I was a kitten (see photo above).
But my paws could not cope with the keyboard, so I am reliant on my human to type.
She let me down.
Yours
 George.
PS. I shall pee on her pillow.

Saturday, December 29, 2018

Cats and New Year’s Resolutions!

Dear George, 
I’m a very young rescued kitten! I share my new human parents and my forever home with three little human kittens and a bid dog, named Jake! I must admit as much as my human siblings wanted me in their life….Jake didn’t! He was just an old, grumpy dog who was jealous of me getting all the attention!
It took me about 2 weeks to train Jake to become my best friend and guardian. Now we sleep together – me under his protective big paw! Both Jake and I have received wonderful toys and treats for Christmas! But, last night I heard my mummy asking the human kittens to come up with at least three New Year’s Resolutions! 
I’ve panicked! Would she ask me too? Jake? First of all I don’t know what the New Year’s resolutions are or what their purpose is! Do cats and dogs need to make some?  Or are they only for humans? I’m scratching my head to come up with at least one but I can’t think of anything! George, I need your help.
Can you make some suggestions? New Year’s Eve is only few nights away! I’m sure Jake will benefit too!
Purrlease…some ideas so we won’t be caught off guard! 
Wishing you, Celia, the Feline World and their humans a Happy Healthy New Year!
Whiskers

Dear Whiskers,
Feline new year resolutions should be simple. What does a pet human need? It needs more training and some careful encouragement for good behaviour.  A well trained human is a happy human! The same goes for Jake, your canine companion.
But let's be clear. It easier to train a human if it doesn't know it is being trained. So I suggest that you do not let your human discover what your resolution is. Merely put your resolution into practice from January 1 onwards. The ideal pet human is well behaved and obedient without realising that this behaviour has been trained into it.
Be firm.  Be consistent. Be kind. These are the principles of training an inferior species. 
Yours 
George.

 
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Help for cats whose humans show behaviour problems.

This blog is devoted to the study of human behaviour. We cats, who live with this sometimes unpredictable and always feeble minded species, can benefit from seeing their behaviour in its proper scientific context. The study of feline dilemmas, training problems, and difficulties with humans, can only benefit all of us. All of us train our humans - to buy the right food, for instance, but many of us do not have knowledge of how to improve our training methods. The human species is obviously not as intelligent as the cat, but nevertheless can learn quite a lot - if properly managed. Topics of interest include the use of claw and order, purring as a human reward, rubbing your human up the right way, when to bite, spraying as a method of making our wishes known, ignoring the human, human harassment, human inattention and sheer human stupidity. I welcome your questions. Photos can be sent via my secretary's website, www.celiahaddon.com This blog has been chosen as one of the top 50 feline blogs by Online VetTechprogramms.org