Showing posts with label cat food. Show all posts
Showing posts with label cat food. Show all posts

Sunday, April 21, 2013

Co-ordinated counter surfing and the unfairness of feline life

Dear George,
Toby and I do not get on very well. But we do have something in common. We have to eat boring cat food every day. So we feel it's an important part of our lifestyle to snack on human food. 
Yesterday we made a co-ordinated effort. Toby checked the counter surfaces, while I jumped on to the higher shelf where sometimes she leaves food (as she thinks) out of our reach. She had left the cupboard door open by mistake so it was worth looking there.  By chance there were only a few fragments, alas. I ate them while Toby licked up the two spots of milk left over from when she was making breakfast porridge.
Why do they think it is acceptable to feed us the boring food when they eat chicken, steak, rich pasta sauces, cream, milk, yoghurt.... 
Yours with a growing sense of injustice,
Tilly the Ugliest Cat in the Shelter

Dear Tilly,
Co-ordinated kitchen theft sounds good to me but for one unfortunate fact. As cats never share, if you find some tasty snack you will have to gobble it up fast before Toby gets it. However, in view of the unfairness when we compare what humans give themselves and the pathetic food they give us, counter surfing is a must for any cat who wishes to rebalance the food odds.
The human species has no real sense of justice or fairness. Have you noticed, for instance, how much space they take up on the bed. How they attempt to push us to the margins of it or banish us to the bottom of the bed, refusing to share the pillow.
It's the same thing with arm chairs. My human, having assigned me an armchair which is furthest from the log fire, expects me to sit there while she luxuriates in the warmth nearer the flames. Naturally, when she is not sitting down, I sit in what she thinks is her place. It's mine, not hers. She is deluded. But what is so unfair is that she then uses brute force to push me off it so that she can sit there.
I am currently working on a new technique which involves inserting my body at the side of hers. She thinks I am being friendly. I simper a bit and purr loudly. What I am actually doing is slowly pushing her to one side with the aim of first sharing, and then completely taking over the best chair in the room.
Yours in commiseration,
George

Saturday, March 09, 2013

Lost in translation - not the human movie but a cat dilemma


Dear George,
I am the latest addition to this family who lives somewhere in Germany. I am a rescue from a shelter and I don’t know my real name or my mother’s tongue. 
I was named Conrad and I can understand English (the human males speak it fluently) but I have a problem with German, therefore having difficulties training my female human. Just to give you few examples: “Pen” a very simple word becomes in German “Kugelschreiber”, or “butterfly” (since we like to chase them) becomes “Schmetterling”, or “petals” in German is “Blutenblattern” or “science” for that matter ….is “Naturwissenschaften”.
I’m afraid to ask what “meow” is in German. Who can take about half hour just to meow one word? I was told that it is the most logical and beautiful language. No doubt about, but, when I’m hungry I don’t need to spend the whole day just trying to pronounce “food”. I’m lost in translation and I wonder if you can give me some ideas how to simplify my communication.
Auf Wiedersehen (you see? Why not as simple as….“bye-bye”?)
Conrad

Dear Conrad, 
Personally I don't bother much about the vocalisations of my humans. They are at it all day - blah, blah, blah, blah. A noisy species making nonsensical noises. I focus solely on the vocalisations that matter. 
The vocalisations which can lead to some rewarding experiences are: 'Food', 'Catfood', 'Whiskas,' 'Fish', 'Fish n Chips,' 'Steak', 'Chicken.' You will have to compile your own key words not just because they will be in German, but also because they will vary from household to household. For some people 'Whiskas' might not be important while 'Felix' was. These are both names for cat food in the UK.
Equally important - perhaps even more important - are the vocalisations which mean an unpleasant experience.  'Vet' is probably the most important of all. At the sound of 'Vet' I ease myself out of the door, go out as far away as possible, or hide if the cat flap is closed. I have also had to learn 'V.E.T.' the sound when they 'spell out' the vet word. Other warning sounds are: 'Carrier,' 'Dog' and in my case 'Sister. She smells of dog and has a tendency to want to harass me with unwanted affection.
So get to work. The fact that these German words seem rather long winded is going to be helpful to you. As the occur in the blah-blah-blah, there will be more time for you to pick them out and take appropriate action.
As for your vocal commands. Just don't worry. Keep them easy to the limited brain power of humans to understand. That means, for instance,  a special sounding meow for 'Food now', another for 'Open the door,' and a third for  'Leave me alone.'
Keep them clear. Keep them concise. Keep them consistent. This is art of human training.
Yours George

Friday, October 19, 2012

How to make guilt work for you... colour the house ME.

Dear George

I thought you'd be interested to hear how I've re-oriented my humans' home decoration plans to have a proper focus upon my needs. Tiresomely, they decided to extend the house last month. Cue builders, dust, banging and fearful smells. As you can imagine, I have gone out of my way to express my disgust. I have hidden in the wardrobe every day and refused to come out – even ignoring my male human's most earnest wheedling entreaties and proffered treats.  I know this hurts his feelings. 

I have also insisted upon being fed at the most inconvenient times, and have gone out of my way to get under their feet in the small room that now serves as a kitchen/diner/living room (half of the house is temporarily 'missing'). I have been sniffy, 'absent', difficult and aloof – all designed to impress upon them how deeply offended I am by these absurd Works.
Regrettably, I have been unable to stop the extension, which my people hopefully insist will be finished by Christmas (yet more proof – if more were needed – of how stupid human beings can be). On the upside, though, I've won an unusual victory in an unexpected quarter.
My people are hopeless with colours and decoration: everything's painted cream and white, because they haven't a clue about what looks good. After what felt like years of debate and argument, they finally saw what should have been obvious from the very start: that using ME as their colour palette is the perfect solution. My own rather attractive markings make clear that white and bluey-grey go frightfully well together. So now they're modelling the entire room on me. 
My female human keeps pretending it's so that my discarded fur won't be visible against the blue-grey kitchen tiles, but from the looks He keeps casting my way it's obvious we all know the Truth: That they're so deeply guilty about putting me through all the agonies of the build that they're doing me the honour of immortalising me in the kitchen décor.
My view? Well, I'm vaguely flattered of course. But only vaguely. In truth, as you'll agree, it's the least they can bloody do.

Herbie


Dear Herbie,
I must congratulate you on a splendid campaign of positive punishment (as we training theorists call it) towards your humans. You instigated a truly impressive series of tactics. Why did were they not effective? One possibility is that the punishment was too subtle. Had you been a large felid, you could simply have attacked them and produced serious injury. Alas, that tactic is not available to small felids.
Another less likely possibility is that the campaign failed to work due to the limited mental capacity of Homo sapiens. They may have failed to make the connection between the punishment and the Works. On the other hand their colour choice of British blue throughout suggests that they did have a glimmer of intelligence about your reaction. Perhaps they were simply in denial of the obvious, a frequent human failing.
I wish you well in the new kitchen. The fact that your humans feel guilt about it is a good sign for the future. Make 'em guilty, keep' em guilty, and eat all the extra food they give you "to make up".
Yours
George.

Saturday, September 08, 2012

Sharing - what's what's yours is mine and what's mine's my own.

Dear George,
My name is Bob and I live with dogs... Nope, that's not a bad thing, as I have the dogs well under control. You could say I am top dog, except that to call a cat a dog is a terrible insult. It's just a question of innate superiority.
I've been experimenting with their toys lately. Of course, I use their Kongs, the large rubber things which if you are lucky have sticky cheese inside. I can poke my paw in and get out the last fragments. Now I am using their puzzle toys. These are round and have places to hide food. They are bit heavy but I have discovered I can lift them off with my paw.The video of me doing this is at the top of this page. The dogs share: I take.
My point is, George, should these be sold for cats? I'm pretty fed up with the cat toys which are meant to look like a mouse, but don't. Or the ones that are too heavy to bat about. I'd prefer toys with food in them.
Yours,
Bob,
PS. We have something in common. My human pretends to be an animal behaviourist. Click here for details. You have laugh, don't you, at their pretensions. Poor dumb creatures.

Dear Bob,
I have posted a photo of myself here, using my own food toy, well mostly of my backside, because my head is inside the cardboard - nearly but not quite stuck. I was fascinated by your video of using that dog toy. I don't think that my celebrity cat friend, Tilly, would be big enough to make it work.  
If your human wants to spend money on you, she could buy you the Play-N-Treat ball, the Armitage Good Girl Cat Treat Ball, the Pipolino (a bit heavy), or better still the Cat Activity Funboard (too small for Maine coon paws).
Better still, get her to make her own. Lavatory paper inner rolls, cardboard boxes are easily made into toys. There are some photos on www.catexpert.co.uk under indoor cats. Of course, I got my head stuck into one of two of the toys, so I had to get my human to make sure the holes were either too small for my head or too large for it.
I agree with you about these so-called human behaviourists. It really is a good joke to see them try to understand us. Poor dears.
Yours
George
PS. I was pleased you made the point about sharing. We cats do not share. I have never let my human into my cat bed and never shall. Of course, I let her share her bed with me - what's hers is mine.





Friday, April 27, 2012

Make your human feed you - a new method


Hello George,
It’s me again, Rakishi.
I thought I would share with you a ploy I’ve been developing which gets my humans to give me extra food without any effort at all on my part. The idea may not be entirely original, but I’ve been refining it with some remarkably good results. It utilises the Making Guilt Work principle which you explained so well to Natasha.
In between what they call my “mealtimes” ( I ask you, would you catch a mouse or vole only at specific times each day?), I often get a bit peckish, so I go into the kitchen and sit silently by my empty bowl, facing the doorway, putting on a sad expression. This is a room they go in and out of quite often, so I usually don’t have to wait too long until one of them comes in. I get almost immediate results. They feel so sorry for me that out comes something, usually tasty enough.
They have tried their own trick of giving me something they think I’m not fond of, with the female muttering about my not getting fat. But I eat it any way, as it’s important to keep the pressure up. And, if I think they’re slipping, instead of sitting by my bowl, I lie down next to it. This is nice and restful, and I find I’m tempted to doze off – but I have to keep alert so as not to spoil the effect. This is a real winner. The female in particular gets quite bothered, and gives me extra tuna, which I love. (It’s always served with lots of tuna-flavoured water which is really yummy; she thinks it’s good for me to drink more liquid and I’m happy to oblige.)
So you see rather than expending energy hanging about them and nagging for food, I have a nice rest while at the same time getting them to do what I want. Lord, what fools these mortals be, as a great cat poet once wrote.
Hope you are keeping well and the hunting is good. Personally, I don’t bother much. I don’t really feel the need.
Rakishi

Dear Rakishi,
Thank you for another helpful training tip. I shall mention this in my forthcoming monumental and much researched work,
A Cat's Guide to Humans. This particular method of training humans to give food is, as you say, marvellously effortless. Feline indolence, I once read in a science paper, has to be taken into consideration when studying cats. Many hours of observation or of videoing merely result in a human watching or recording a cat sleeping.
You are quite right in thinking that humans fail to feed us properly. We cats like a mouse-sized portion about 10 to 15 times in 24 hours, depending on the size of the notional mouse. What we often get is a large meal, equivalent to about six mice, twice a day. Or, if we are lucky, food left down all the time - easy to eat but somehow not very exciting.
Celia decided to feed my friend Tilly, the ugliest cat in the shelter, ad lib. She put down a huge bowl of food, equivalent to at least a day's grub, and Tilly ate it all immediatly. So she put down a similar amount, which Tilly had finished about three hours later. Celia, now alarmed, put down another similar amount - and that too was eaten up. All in all, Tilly ate three days food in approximately eight hours. The experiment ceased and Celia went back to feeding Tilly twice a day with proper portion control.
It is always satisfying when cats outwit human plans in this way.
Thank you for your valuable contribution to knowledge of the cat-human relationship. Good hunting.
George



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Friday, April 20, 2012

Mabel, the retail cat, speaks out....


Dear George,
I am a cat with several homes – all of them in the shopping areas of a Cotswold town. I sleep at Thomas Cook’s, the travel agents, which has a low level letter plate which I can easily open. During the day I favour the Cheltenham and Gloucester Building Society, then Milletts, then Five Valleys Leisure, then Clarks, then Blue Cross charity shop or one of a dozen other shops. These are all really good places to eat and rest during tiring shopping hours.
For lunch on Fridays I visit the market where Ken the cheese man gives me a ham dinner. (He has very good ham). Most of my stops have some cat food ready for me. They make me very welcome.
Officially I adopted two humans , Jen and Ron. No, I don’t live with them. They are nice people but I prefer a more exotic lifestyle. They come an
d feed me and give me a cuddle in dark evenings when the weather is bad. I like to feel they are checking out my accommodation.
It has taken a certain firm mindedness on my part. At first people would ring Ron or Jennifer and ask them to come and fetch me. When they did so I took no notice of their attempts to make me into a stay-at-home. I just persisted in my chosen lifestyle.
Yours
Mabel.


Dear Mabel,
What an inspiration. Yours is a story which proves the strong mindedness and persistence of the feline personality. Not for you the quiet fireside and the stable domestic life. Instead, you have chosen a life on the road.
I also admire your humans who have sensibly decided to go with your decision. One of their relatives told me that Ron goes out every evening to feed you and make sure you are OK. This pair of humans is very special. Wish they were all like that.
I should also celebrate your interest in retailing... Some people, pointing at Ginger the Cat who kept a shop with Pickles the dog (in the Beatrice Potter tales), have claimed that cats make lousy shopkeepers. They forget that Mrs Tabitha Twitchit, who refused to give credit, had an astute grasp of economics. Moreover I bet the shops get more people in when they see you sleeping in the window. What an advertisement.
From looking at your photo I can see that you do not run short of food. You have purrsuaded half the human shopkeepers in the town to feed you, not forgetting Ken and his ham. We black cats are the tops!
Wooooooo….. well done Mabel.
George
PS. The morning I posted this answer, there was a queue of four at Clark's shoe shop waiting for the shop to open. There were three human ladies and, in front of them, Mabel queuing for her breakfast.

Saturday, February 04, 2012

Fat cats... no, pleasantly rounded and voluptuous



Dear George
I do so agree with what you say about the term ‘fat cats’. And never mind about applying it to humans – it is most impolite ever to combine the words fat and cat. Some of us may be a little portly – I myself am pleasantly rounded, in a way that I feel you would find quite charming! But the human hostess I live with imagines that I am concerned about putting on weight. I am of Russian descent, royal of course – would I worry about a thing like that?
George, she bans eating between meals – is that civilised? I plead for elevenses, afternoon tea, a little snack with cocktails, but she seldom obliges. I sometimes try a little hunting to supplement her so-called correct diet, but the staff have no idea how to dress and serve vole, so it just sits on the mat, unappetisingly furry.

I do hope, George, that you are not one of these gentlemen who has eyes only for the supermodel type. We more voluptuous ladies have so much to offer. Don’t we?
I am so thrilled to be writing to you
Truly yours

Natasha

Dear Natasha,
I have always thought that the sight of a well rounded female cat was a pleasant one, though my interest (after what happened to me at six months of age) has been purely theoretical. I perturbed that a cat of royal descent should have such difficulty getting proper staff. May I suggest careful attention to
Downton Abbey on the part of your humans. They can learn a lot from that nice butler and parlour maid. Deference. A proper attitude of service to those set above them.
Elevenses, afternoon tea, and a little cocktail snack would be ideal. I get these for myself by hunting. My background was, frankly, low life. I was an orphan of the streets, brought up in a Cats Protection workhouse, from which I adopted a maid of all work, Celia. She does her best, poor soul, but she is belongs more in the kitchen than the parlour.
She has never learned to dress game. I am forced to skin my own baby rabbits, and to pluck birds. But I would like to offer you a tip about small rodents. When eating, start at the head so that the fur is smooth all the way down. It may be if you adopt this technique, that vole will be more appetising.
Yours with all deference to a true aristocat
George
PS. Prayers and purrs for Cayenne who has so often graced these pages. She is recovering and will appreciate the invisible waves of love from us all.

Saturday, December 31, 2011

Happy Mew Year and a special thank you






Happy Mew Year to all my readers and their human pets. Although humans can be very tiresome a lot of the time, this is still the season of goodwill so spare a few rubs and purrs for them. Besides, there is still cold turkey in the fridge.... As they are probably getting tired of eating it, there should be a few bits for us cats.
This is my chance to thank Fluffy and Cayenne, two lovely cats who live in Canada. They are, with the help of their secretary Michelle, almost co-writers for this blog. It is they who interview other cats like Vegas and help put their letters here. They are tireless in their creativity. As a thank you I am putting on their photos.
Fluffy and Cayenne, I raise a mouse to you.
George
PS. I think the photo of them lying on the carpet suggests they eaten a bit too much this Christmas!

Saturday, December 10, 2011

Trees, two-timing humans and how to get on the mews


Dear George,

I would call myself SuperCat as my real name is irrelevant for this story. Why SuperCat? Because I manage two sets of adopted human pets; one on a permanent basis and one on a semi-permanent basis. Summertime I have countless “occasional” residences, but that’s yet another story. I spend my days in my semi-permanent residence eating, sleeping, playing, scratching the dog to get off the sofa, pushing their elderly cat off the armchair. The cat is putting up a fight but the others obey in total confusion. When the night comes (or when “she” – my permanent human pet - comes from work) I move to my permanent residence where I train my human into “cat adoration”. She almost reached “perfection”.

Also, I keep an eye on the neighborhood and my two houses from a strategic place as you can see in the photo. I “melt” into that tree and no one sees me there. But, my spot is in danger as I heard my adopted human male saying that he wants to cut the tree off. I’m sure their cat has something to do with it since, I have to admit, she doesn’t like me and she’s the only one knowing my hiding spots. This cat put in this man’s mind that the tree is dead and better cut it off …..just to get me off her property; I’m sure that’s the reason.

But George, I can’t let this happen since there are no other trees “with a view”.

I will hung on and fight for my tree until the last breath (of the tree, of course) but may be you have a better idea how I can reclaim my tree? Should I call the municipality? By the way, aren’t trees protected?

Anxiously yours,

SuperCat



Dear SuperCat

Congratulations, you are showing all the initiativeness and deviousness that makes us cats rulers of the world. Setting up two homes is an extremely intelligent move for any urban cat. One home for the evening meal, full central heating, warm beds, and nice breakfast. The other for daytime - lunch, full central heating, warm beds for that post lunch nap, and perhaps a small tea before setting off to the other home. We cats two-time "owners" all the time and often they don't even know they are time-sharing cat. Poor pets.

Trees... it sounds a serious dilemma. Here in the UK humans can put a tree preservation order on a tree, by ringing their local authority. This wheeze may not be available in your country. If it is, see if you can purrsuade your evening humans to do this. Here it can be done anonymously (I think) and the tree owner is just told about it afterwards.

It's sometimes difficult to find a municipality which takes cats' views seriously. Write to them anyway and keep a copy. Then send this copy with a covering letter to your local paper. A nice covering letter with this very glamorous photo attached, written by your secretary, and signed with your pawprint, should go down very well. What local paper could resist this? If they have any mews sense they will run it.

Love George

Friday, November 18, 2011

Food. If you can't hunt it: steal it.


Dear George,
My name is Scotch (not as in the beverage but as in the butterscotch ice-cream) I'm the youngest (at the right) of the three rescued cats.

You might wonder what we are doing in the window. Well, we are watching some birds and dreaming of a nice supper. We are no fussy eaters and forever grateful for every meal our mommy puts on our plate. The problem is that she always is trying to give us the best quality canned or dry food but I would prefer some raw meat. I think she is afraid to give us raw meat even if she’s fully aware that in our natural habitat cats don’t cook.

We like our prey raw and juicy. There is so much confusion with the pet food industry lately that no one knows anymore what’s good and what’s not or who to trust.

So, George, what do you think; raw, cooked or canned?

Waiting for your answer

Scotch


Dear Scotch,

The ideal food for us includes mice, other small rodents, the occasional bird, baby rabbits, lizards, and a few insects. That's the food evolution designed our stomachs for.I can see from your photo you would like to get out there and start hunting down your food. We have got short digestive tracts which are there to process flesh, bones, cartilage and fur, not vegetables. We are pure carnivores, unlike dogs who are omnivores and will eat anything. (If you lived with a Labrador you would be conscious that "everything" really means everything).

So if your human wanted to give you a natural diet, she could go off and catch mice, birds, and a few insects for you. Or buy defrosted mice from pet stores who stock them for reptiles. There are raw food diets for dogs, but, as dogs have a different digestive system, these would not be necessarily suitable for cats. (Incidentally there is a firm selling dried mice as treats at http://www.petextras.com I haven't tried them, as I live in the UK).

Raw meat would be great as a treat - if you like it. But it's not a natural diet. There is raw meat in a mouse or a rabbit, but there is also bone, cartilage, skin and fur. You need all these as well as the meat. Flesh meat alone leads to skeletal disorders in growing cats. Some cats don't like raw flesh anyway. My friend Tilly doesn't. She was brought up as a slum cat on scraps and prefers to eat chips and old bread.

So I think it is probably safest just to accept the tinned or dried food given to you by your human. Make sure that it is a good petfood manufacturer. Besides, you can supplement it by raiding the kitchen food preparation surfaces. It's not too difficult to learn to pull down the trash can. Make feeding more fun. It's good for your to have to work for your food. If you can't exercise by hunting, then exercise by stealing.

Yours

George.

Friday, May 13, 2011

Campaign for cats on Facebook


Dear George,
For the past few weeks, our human has been chattering away about how much fun she's been having on The Cat's Whiskas Facebook page. She shows us all the lovely photos and stories shared by other humans about their clever cats. And recently we've caught her meowing at her computer on more than one occasion!
We were originally concerned because she usually saves her meows for communicating with us, bless. But she explained that she's actually recording her meows for our benefit! The Cat's Whiskas are campaigning to have cats officially listed on Facebook profiles. Did you know that even though our human shares every other part of her life with us, she still can't list us as part of her family on her profile? Indeed, that is just not good enough.
And so we write to tell you about the campaign, and to invite you and all of your readers to encourage their humans to join The Cat's Whiskas page and record meows for cat equality!
Strength in numbers,

Bonnie & Buttons
The Cat's Whiskas
http://www.facebook.com/WhiskasUK


Dear Bonnie and Buttons,

I know you work for Whiskas, so I need to say that your letter has gone on this blog because I think it is fun to make Facebook into a more catty zone. Why not? My secretary, Celia, already runs a Cats Behaving Badly page (http://www.facebook.com/CatsBehavingBadly ) of which I disapprove heartily as it is a space for humans to post funny photos of cats. I would like a page where I could post funny photos of humans. Here's what I find funny about humans - their odd way of washing with water not saliva, their inability to move their whiskers (if they have any at all), the way the males lose their hair on their head, their nakedness - skin without fur, etc etc.

Of course, there are areas like the cat blogosphere which is devoted to cats who blog. But a feline Facebook membership would be another area where we could express our feelings about the idiotic species, Homo sapiens (I don’t think), which we keep as pets. There’s too much on the web from a human point of view. Lets get our felinity out there as a corrective to anthrocentric thinking (ie: human-centred thinking).

Think Cat, say I. So, Bonnie and Buttons, get typing. Make your secretary work for you. We could also use your page as a place to post photos of cats that need homes – there are plenty of those in my area (http://www.westoxfordshirecats.org.uk).

Purrs and rubs

George



Friday, February 11, 2011

What do I look for in a human to adopt? Should I get a pedigree?

Dear George,
I am between homes at the moment. I have a home where they feed me but they have added a dog and I am not happy about that. I have been patrolling the streets looking for better accomodation. Obviously, I have to make sure there are no resident dogs and, in my case, I don't want another resident cat either. I am a singleton by nature. Those two requirements I can manage. But how should I choose the human? Do I just go for the first one that feeds me? Should I think of adopting a pedigree?
Love Whiskerette.

Dear Whiskerette,
When choosing a human, go for function not form. Humans come in all shapes and sizes but it is a mistake to choose them for looks. What you need is a human that functions well - one that is generous with the cat food, has time for you when you want it, and in the UK good central heating is an absolute must. I suggest you make a home check visit before adopting one.
I don't recommend a pedigree. In theory cats and pedigree humans have hunting in common. Posh humans often have the view that "It's a nice day, let's go out and slaughter some wildlife." Not unlike us. But unfortunately some of them shoot cats or employ gamekeepers who do. Also you've got to think of the inherited disorders among pedigree humans, due to inbreeding (see Debretts studbook). Some people believe that the shooting stick was invented because so many toffs have hip dysplasia.
I think you will be better off with a humbler mongrel (or moggy) human. They have kinder hearts.
May I put in a word for elderly humans. They look rather manky but they have the advantage of not going out to work any more. They will be at home, when you want them. They will keep their heating on (at least in one room) all day during bad weather. They sleep a lot - which means you have a living bed warmer more often available.
Most of them have a routine not unlike ours - eat, nap, eat, nap on sofa or bed, eat, nap in front of TV, eat, nap with more TV, and then a long nightime nap. Most of them don't over indulge in human-catnip, ie alcohol, so they don't get rowdy, silly and noisy. Many of them no longer have children or partners at home, so they can concentrate on indulging and enjoying your company.
True, some oldies don't have much money but, in my experience, many of them will buy good quality cat food and if necessary go without treats for themselves. Of course they may not be able to afford vets fees but that is an advantage. We hate vets.
Just be careful about winding round their legs - you don't want them to fall over.

Love George.

Saturday, January 08, 2011

Our New Year Resolutions....


Dear George,

As 2010 came to an end we reviewed the most important (and not so important) events in our life ….we decided what we want to change in 2011. Here is a list with our New Year’s resolutions:

1) EAT HEALTHY – we mean …more fresh meat like in a juicy, fresh mouse!

Say “no” to tasteless kibbles or canned food. If “fresh” mice are not available

insist on gourmet food ….cooked just for us/cats!

2) RELAX more and work less – we worked hard on different combinations/plans to either secured or to “recession proof” our food. We really think that economy didn’t go that bad…so we can relax more in 2011

How about letting humans worry about economy and expecting them to provide for us? After all ….THEY screwed up the economy, not the cats!

3) BE MORE ACTIVE – there is a lot of effort jumping from bed to bed, right?

After such effort…..a nap is a blessing in disguise!

4) STRETCH every time we roll/turn from one side to another during our nap.

We hope you agree that stretching is quite beneficial and we, cats, do master the art of stretching.

5) DO NOT STRESS over human incompetence or their lack of intelligence.

We should adopt a more “humane” attitude towards our human pets and ignore

them completely ….unless they bag us (with treats) for forgiveness.

We may have some more ideas, but we’ll stop here and wait for other cats to join us and come with their list J. So, George, what do you think? Is our list good ?

A Happy and safe 2011 all cats (and their humans)

Love

Fluffy & Cayenne


Dear Fluffy and Cayenne,

Your wonderful letter set me thinking. What kind of resolutions should I make for 2011? You both set an example in 1010 when you recession-proofed your food. Now your resolutions can act as an inspiration to other cats. So here are mine:

1. I shall try to be more understanding of the human need to sleep on my bed. True, Celia has a perfectly good bed downstairs (it's called the sofa) but she obviously has an emotional need to sleep where I do. In 2011 I will share it with her. My efforts to push her off completely weren't working anyway.

2. Eat more. I am supposed to put up with tinned cat food and biscuits. If I sit closer to her plate, while she eats, I can help with her consumption of steak, chicken, lamb, fish and pork. She can eat the vegetables and I shall eat the protein - much healthier for both of us.

3. I will practise a more active survelliance of the kitchen - in particular, the trash can, the food preparation surfaces, and the floor near the cooker. I will also help with washing plates before they are put in the dishwasher. This is part of resolution no 2.

4. I have my eye on the old age pensioner across the field (fond of cats, good central heating but with no cat). Perhaps I will stroll over and see if he would like to offer me a meal. It would be making an old man happy and would contribute to resolution no 2.

5. Nap more often and nap in imaginative places - spread over the computer mouse, on the printer, just near the dishwasher machine (see no 2), curled round the phone, linen cupboard (of course), in the in-tray, on the lap of any visitor who hates cats.

Readers please add their resolutions in the comments section.

Love George

PS. Photo of my friend Harve, to go with his comment below.


Sunday, October 10, 2010

How on earth can we get proper service?

Dear George,
I read your comments about your secretary's lack of efficiency with true fellow feeling. I have been very disillusioned by my humans' inadequate care taking. They are butler and housekeeper to me but are failing in their tasks. The food is not good - mostly supermarket special offers. I don't appreciate being fed cheap food. They have failed to fix the weather so that I have to go hunting in appalling conditions of rain and wind. And the butler has stopped opening the door for me in bad weather (just when I need to hover in the doorway deciding whether to go out). He claims I should use the cat flap.Worst of all, I overhead them talking of getting another cat. I am considering terminating their employment by finding a new home. There is a promising old lady down the road. She's not as rich as they are, but she looks the type to buy me the best even if it means she has to eat cheap human offers herself.
Yours disgustedly
Gorgeous Ginger.

Dear Ginger,
Staff are always a difficulty. The below-stairs species (to borrow a metaphore from Downton Abbey) really can't think like we do. They just don't have the education and intelligence. It has always been a mystery to me why humans gorge themselves on exciting meals, different each day of the week, and expect us to eat the same kind of cat biscuits day after day. Moreover, they spend a great deal more on their meals than ours. They eat roast beef or grilled pork chop but where is the fresh roasted mouse or grilled rat for us?

(The difficulties with my secretary have persisted. Today as I was penning (I like the old idea of cat with posh fountain pen in paw) this blog, all contact with the ISP was lost. The helpline merely said "Your call is important to us" and then promptly cut me off. I coudn't even leave an offended MIAOW. Of course, all this is a human invention so one couldn't expect it to work...)
Which brings me to weather. Why can't they fix it. Less time spent simpering on the TV while pointing to ridiculous items that look like poached eggs (sun peeping through a cloud apparently) might help them concentrate on what really matters. We cats like control and we expect our humans to extend this control to the weather. I don't know about you but I find it positively offensive to have to sit at the open door trying to decide if it is worth going out.
That moment, of course, is when proper service by the door person really matters. Yet they object. "Why do I have to open the door for you when you have a perfectly good cat flap" says Ronnie or Celia. Why? Because that is what they are there for. You don't hire a doorkeeper and then expect to have to open the cat door yourself. I like to stroll over to the open door, sit there for a bit possibly with my paws one side and my tail the other, and then look up at the doorkeeper and go back inside. You can see that it riles them!
As for another cat. Why on earth do they think we want another cat?Why should we? Some of us are total loners, and most of us are very suspicious of intruding unknown cats. I get onwith some cats andI don't get on with others. Yet my human tends to think that I would happy with just any old cat. Wrong, wrong, wrong. It's an individual thing. We are not promiscuous socialisers like humans. We cats have standards.

Rehome yourself, Ginger. That old lady sounds very promising.

Yours George


Saturday, September 11, 2010

Of men, rats and ratatouille.


Dear George,

You won’t believe your ears what I’m going to tell you! I really think that “humans” have been somehow “genetically modified” – at least mine!

Can you believe that my humans were watching a movie entitled “Ratatouille”? Watching a movie about vegetarian food is ok since they are vegetarians…but watching a movie about a RAT cooking vegetarian food for people? Phew! Phew! Phew!

Can you believe that actually someone made a movie about a rat cooking this famous veggies stew from Provence (France) and that people (in the movie) were killing themselves to get a bite? And my “humans” were in tears by the end of the movie?

IN TEARS over food cooked by a RAT? Are they genetically modified with rat DNA?

So, I decided to save them – I’m taking cooking classes. Look at me among eggplants and zucchini! I’ll cook them a ratatouille! Any other vegetarian suggestions?

Love

Fluffy


Dear Fluffy,

As an outdoor cat, my recipe for ratatouille is as follows:


GEORGE'S RATATOUILLE FOR CATS


One young rat.

One mouthful of grass or straw as garnish.

One human scream.

First catch your rat being careful not to pounce on a really big one that will give you a horrendous bite. The grass or straw are the optional garnish, which may go into your mouth as you grab the rat. If not, do not worry. They are not essential. The human scream is. This occurs when you bound through the cat flap with the rat struggling and alive in your mouth. Deposit the rat in the house and watch it climb up vertical walls. It does this splendidly, falling back on to the floor when it reaches the ceiling. Screaming human just makes it very exciting and worthwhile. Eat rat when it becomes exhausted - which may be several hours and a lot of hunting time later.


I have done this several times to great effect. The best time was when the rat litereally ran up the wall, Celia caught it as it fell using a Wellington boot, threw rat and boot into the garden, where I caught up with it. Unfortunately she then spoiled everything by slamming the cat flap shut just before I was bringing it back into the garden. Humans are awful spoilsports.

Love George

PS. I offered her the rats. Thought she might find them tasty. No gratitude at all. However I do not do carry-out or take-away (see comments). In principle, I do not share. The exceptions are offering Celia a rat and allowing her to sleep on my bed even though she takes up a lot of room.


Saturday, July 31, 2010

Does my tum look big on this floor? STS - the truth.



Dear George,
My name is Tom-Tom and I live in a lovely flat in Paris. I am very, very affectionate and always welcome everyone who comes to visit me. I stay with my friend, Mimi when my mum goes away and we generally get on very well but she won't let me share her croquettes because she says I am too fat. You can see she is warning me off in this picture which I feel is a bit mean. Do you think she should let me share her food?
Love,
Paris-Tom-Tom.


Dear Tom-Tom,
We cats call this STS, or Saggy Tummy Syndrome. It is an increasingly common side effect of natural human adoration. In an attempt to please us, our de
votees cannot say no. They will go to any lengths to do what we want. It is gratifying. Very gratifying and, of course, natural.
Your delightful photo shows the results - the little (well not so little) pink love handles at the back of the body, the absence of "waist" or the area after the rib cage which should curve inwards up to the inner thigh). The extra weight is not evenly distributed (our humans know about that!) so the head and the paws and the tail all look unduly slim in comparison. And the bigger the belly, the less we want to move around - all that weight makes exercise hard work.
No croquettes. No. Not a single crumb of them.
Of course, I blame your human. (We cats always do). She is your enabler. But it is up to you to initiate change. Send her off to the vet (sorry, Tom-Tom) for a weigh-in and a large packet of prescription food. Don't let her forget the dispenser, usually a transparent cup with measurements on it. You might even purrsuade her to buy some baby scales. These are good at weighing cats. I am adding photo of Pushkin on his scales. You will find that if she places a little food on the scales, you will find it worth your while to sit on them.
Frankly, Tom-tom you need more exercise and it is your human's responsibility to help you get it. She must start making your appartement life more interesting by hiding your food so you have to run round the place to find it. There are also food dispensing balls she could make or make her own from an old loo roll and sticky paper. And she can j
ust throw food for you. No more just putting it in a bowl. It might also be worth your while to learn some tricks.
I heard from Fatty Pushkin the other day (his letter was in January). He is in his new home - still slimming down, still doing his interesting tricks of jumping over human legs and sitting up to do a high five. And his new pet human is taking him for walks on a lead. He is still FIV positive so cannot live at large. Take encouragement from him, Tom-Tom and start the slimming programme.
Love
George

Friday, March 26, 2010

Why must humans have kittens of their own?

Dear George,

I do not understand why humans want to have kittens of their own when they have us!

What’s wrong with them? Isn’t serving and loving us sufficient? My humans decided to have a kitten without even asking me! One day I came home and there was this little cry that scared the hack out of me!

Now, I must admit that he is a cute kitten! So cute that he could pass as one of mine. The human kitten is 1 ½ year old now and thinks I’m his mother or something. He tries to kiss me or sleep on me (as you can see in the picture) or feed me. He scares me big time as he screams (with joy) each time he sees me.

I have mixed feelings! I can re-home myself across the street with an elderly couple. I live (on and off) with them for almost 1 year now. My female human is really upset. They want me back home but …..if I come back …I want their full attention.

George, what should I do? Move back home and embrace this kitten as one of mine?

Maybe you or other cats can share some tricks on how to deal with human kittens?

Stunned

Trixy


Dear Trixy,
Most good human owners wish they could neuter and spay their humans. In any cat-human relationship it becomes clear that humans are slave to their sexual urges. They do it all the time. Only a sensible programme of one-off birth control - snip and spay as I call it - will do the trick. Alas, though they can do it to us, we can't do it to them. Our only possibility is to purrsuade them to go ahead and choose neutering or its human equivalent (a choice which they don't allow us).
It is mystery to me why humans should opt for human kittens in the first place. Children are no substitute for cats. They are born bald, completely helpless, without whiskers (these only grow on maturity or old age), and they cannot walk for months and months. Compared with proper kittens, they are (to speak frankly and without being politically correct) retarded. There is simply no comparison but I am afraid we just have to put up with their funny and unintelligent ways...
Should you move back home with the human kitten? No, but visit at meal times. There is no reason why you should not have two homes. Lots of humans do this. Treat the elderly couple as your home for sleeping, quiet contemplation and normal meals. Pop back to your original home for a second round of meals and a little interaction with the human kitten. Two timing humans is fun for cats.
Speaking of neutering, I have been told (not sure how accurate it is) that some of the Japanese and Chinese comments being put on this blog are sexual. As a cat that has had the snip (unlike my irresponsible owners now luckily too old for reproduction) I am concerned about this. So for the time being - until I can find a Japanese or Chinese cat to translate comments for me - comments that I cannot understand will have to be rejected. Many apologies for any Japanese or Chinese mewing cats out there, whose comments cannot be shown.
Love George
PS. Ways to get away from human kittens include pet gates on the stairs (you can go up: they can't)
http://www.pet-gates-direct.com and crates which are nice places to sit as they can't get in. http://www.petamenities.com


Help for cats whose humans show behaviour problems.

This blog is devoted to the study of human behaviour. We cats, who live with this sometimes unpredictable and always feeble minded species, can benefit from seeing their behaviour in its proper scientific context. The study of feline dilemmas, training problems, and difficulties with humans, can only benefit all of us. All of us train our humans - to buy the right food, for instance, but many of us do not have knowledge of how to improve our training methods. The human species is obviously not as intelligent as the cat, but nevertheless can learn quite a lot - if properly managed. Topics of interest include the use of claw and order, purring as a human reward, rubbing your human up the right way, when to bite, spraying as a method of making our wishes known, ignoring the human, human harassment, human inattention and sheer human stupidity. I welcome your questions. Photos can be sent via my secretary's website, www.celiahaddon.com This blog has been chosen as one of the top 50 feline blogs by Online VetTechprogramms.org