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Friday, February 24, 2012


Dear George,
My name is Cleo and I am nearly nineteen years old. I have just met your friend, Harvey at the vets and he told me about your advisory column. Our vet specialises only in cats and rabbits so we both get excellent care.
I have recently been very ill but am fine now although I need to have my blood pressure checked by my doctor quite regularly. My human mum is very kind and made some of her special chicken broth for me while I was recuperating but I still can't get used to being shut in my cat basket and taken away from my comfort zone. The only way I can show my disapproval is by shredding the newspaper in my cage while I wait for my appointment.
This spreads the paper all over the waiting room floor and everybody laughs. They don't seem to understand I am expressing my stress and I wondered if you might be able to think of some other way of getting my point over. Harvey said you might have some good ideas.

Yours anxiously,
Cleo

Dear Cleo,
If shredding paper helps, keep shredding. Take no notice of human disapproval or laughter. This is an exceptionally ignorant species with a poor sense of humour and no common sense. Of course, you are stressed. Who wouldn't be?
I hate sitting in my cat carrier in the waiting room where there is not only the hateful smell of vets, but also a number of smelly noisy dogs, panting and barking. Luckily my human has a covered box for me so that although I can smell them I don't have to see them. Get your human to cover your cat carrier with a small blanket or similar while you wait in the waiting room. If possible she should put your carrier on a chair or on her lap. Higher feels safer for cats. She should sit as far away as possible from dogs or other cats. Or leave you in the car, and only bring you in when the vet calls you in.
We cats hate all vets. Would it make you feel better if you bit the vet? If so, feel free to do so. The only problem is that not all vets respond well. Some handle us roughly after that. And I haven't forgotten that awful TV programme in which a vet "nurse" (so called) hit a dog that bit him. I won't name the vet group concerned here, because of human libel laws but if any readers remember it, just avoid that practice.
Personally I just hunch down on the table and feel miserable in a vet's surgery. I comfort myself with thoughts of what I would like to do to the vet - clawing her, biting her, making her sit on a table and pummelling her, looking at her teeth and eyes.... If we could do to vets what they do to us, there would be no practising vets at all. Happy thought!
Yours cheerfully,
George
PS. I often go into my carrier for choice. Celia leaves it on the floor in the house and puts bits of cat food in it. This makes me feel quite relaxed about the carrier. Of course, this warm feeling doesn't transfer to the vet's surgery.

Saturday, February 18, 2012

Be my Valentine and thank you all, guys.



Dear George,

I think I am a bit more spiritual and romantic lately. Why I think so? Well, you know that I’ve always prided my self for being “the cool, intellectual” cat; writing, reading and researching. But, since my recent “trial” I changed and I would like to take this opportunity to thank a few and show my gratitude!

First and foremost, I want to thank God!

Then, I want to thank Amanda, my lovely guardian angel, for giving my spine and tail’s first sign of life back. You, moggies in UK are lucky to have Amanda there. She is the Head of Health Kinesiology UK, an excellent practitioner and teacher. She can be reached by phone at 07938 851750 or by email at theshwanrooms@gmail.com or via her website at: www.subtleenergy.com – she‘s listed under Amanda Brooks. She can do wonders for both us and our human pets .

I also want to thank Dr. Cindy Kneebone and her staff at the East York Animal Clinic, a holistic pet care clinic in Toronto (www.holisticpetvet.com) for the excellent care I’ve received. Dr. Kneebone is a surgeon with a kind heart who combines traditional western medicine with alternative medicine. She gave me acupuncture, chiropractic and laser treatments along with homeopathic remedies, supplements and vitamins.

I want to thank you George and Celia for your friendship and love. I want to thank Harvey, my Brit bunny friend, Oliver, Garry and their ape for the love they sent my way.

Last, but not least, I thank my sister and my human parents for their unconditional love, support, massages and kisses

The waves of love sent my way were amazing and made me understand the miracles of prayers and the power of love.

I feel that you all can be my Valentine! Happy Valentine’s Day!

Love

Cayenne


Dear Cayenne,
I have always known there is a God. Sometimes, if I am having a particularly wonderful day in the fields surrounding my home, I can almost hear the faint sound of a purring Higher Feline Power. At the side of my sight, just out of my focus, I have sometimes seen, or thought I have seen, an angelic whisker quivering with joy. Once I thought I saw, for a second or two, a vision of two bright golden eyes - huge, far bigger than my eyes, blazing with love.

These are the moments that give me that feeling of deepest serenity, that somehow, somewhere, it all has meaning. That despite the feral kittens dying of cat flu, the elderly cats chucked out into the street to die because their owners won't pay the vet bills, or just the pain we all feel when we are ill, that in the end all shall be well and all manner of things shall be well. I just go back to my life after these experiences and go on living it ... as indeed I should.

Dr Kneebone has done you proud. I can see from the way you are tucked into that basket that you are feeling much better. However, don't get too soft about vets. They may have their uses, but we don't want to admit to that. I had a dream last night that my vet was brought into my kitchen in a very large cat carrier. She crawled out of it and lay on the kitchen table. I kneaded her from head to toe with all my claws out and she just lay there quivering with fear.

It was the best dream I have had in ages.

Love George




Friday, February 10, 2012

Vote for me and support World Spay Day - alas not for humans


Hi George,
I'm Jasper. The person who takes care of me, Alice Cornwall, has entered me in The Humane Society of the United States' and Humane Society International's World Spay Day Online Pet Photo Contest. Now I need your human to help me win some cool prizes -- and raise critical funds for spaying and neutering to control pet overpopulation. Please vote for me here.
This is how it works. Donate to vote for me here. For every US $1 you donate, I'll be awarded 1 vote. (And if you donate US $5, you'll be able to give me 5 votes, and so on!) All of your donation goes to the organization that we've chosen to sponsor, and supports a great cause—spaying and neutering animals to help control pet overpopulation!
To celebrate the 17th annual World Spay Day on February 28, 2012, The Humane Society of the United States and Humane Society International are telling everyone how spaying and neutering improves pets' lives. In addition to making pets like me better, more affectionate companions, spaying and neutering helps animals live longer and healthier.
I'd appreciate your vote and donation today, but if you'd like to enter your own pet in the contest, then please do -- I can handle some friendly competition!
Your human can enter the contest until 5 p.m., Eastern Time, on February 29, 2012; voting ends at 10 p.m., Eastern Time, on February 29, 2012. You'll help make a huge difference in the lives of pets everywhere.
Sincerely,
Jasper

Dear Jasper,
I have mixed feelings about World Spay day. Very mixed. Yes, I do support it. Some of the most elegant and world famous cats like me and Larry of Downing St have had the snip. We are metrosexual cool cats. Just occasionally I think longingly of roof tops and caterwauling and queuing up near a sexy little female cat... the road not taken. But I have chosen the nobler better path, I know.
But what about a World Human Spay Day. Why can't we support that. There are far to many
Homo sapiens (LOL!) around and the human overpopulation is really really serious. Could we start a charity called the Human Humane Society or the Humane Feline Society, to spread the snip among the males of the species, and the op among the females. They breed like.... well, not to offend my friend Harvey,... humans.
The number of human kittens worldwide is truly frightening. Admittedly they are not competition. They are useless at mousing and while humans will probably exterminate all the big cats like tigers and lions, we small cats can run rings round them. We will be there when humans are an endangered species due to their trashing of their own environment.
Your very welcome letter has given me food for philosophising.
Yours
George
PS. My old friend tabby and white William has retired from his twitter account and handed it over to Tilly Ugliest Cat. Pulchritude-wise this is not an improvement.

Saturday, February 04, 2012

Fat cats... no, pleasantly rounded and voluptuous



Dear George
I do so agree with what you say about the term ‘fat cats’. And never mind about applying it to humans – it is most impolite ever to combine the words fat and cat. Some of us may be a little portly – I myself am pleasantly rounded, in a way that I feel you would find quite charming! But the human hostess I live with imagines that I am concerned about putting on weight. I am of Russian descent, royal of course – would I worry about a thing like that?
George, she bans eating between meals – is that civilised? I plead for elevenses, afternoon tea, a little snack with cocktails, but she seldom obliges. I sometimes try a little hunting to supplement her so-called correct diet, but the staff have no idea how to dress and serve vole, so it just sits on the mat, unappetisingly furry.

I do hope, George, that you are not one of these gentlemen who has eyes only for the supermodel type. We more voluptuous ladies have so much to offer. Don’t we?
I am so thrilled to be writing to you
Truly yours

Natasha

Dear Natasha,
I have always thought that the sight of a well rounded female cat was a pleasant one, though my interest (after what happened to me at six months of age) has been purely theoretical. I perturbed that a cat of royal descent should have such difficulty getting proper staff. May I suggest careful attention to
Downton Abbey on the part of your humans. They can learn a lot from that nice butler and parlour maid. Deference. A proper attitude of service to those set above them.
Elevenses, afternoon tea, and a little cocktail snack would be ideal. I get these for myself by hunting. My background was, frankly, low life. I was an orphan of the streets, brought up in a Cats Protection workhouse, from which I adopted a maid of all work, Celia. She does her best, poor soul, but she is belongs more in the kitchen than the parlour.
She has never learned to dress game. I am forced to skin my own baby rabbits, and to pluck birds. But I would like to offer you a tip about small rodents. When eating, start at the head so that the fur is smooth all the way down. It may be if you adopt this technique, that vole will be more appetising.
Yours with all deference to a true aristocat
George
PS. Prayers and purrs for Cayenne who has so often graced these pages. She is recovering and will appreciate the invisible waves of love from us all.

Help for cats whose humans show behaviour problems.

This blog is devoted to the study of human behaviour. We cats, who live with this sometimes unpredictable and always feeble minded species, can benefit from seeing their behaviour in its proper scientific context. The study of feline dilemmas, training problems, and difficulties with humans, can only benefit all of us. All of us train our humans - to buy the right food, for instance, but many of us do not have knowledge of how to improve our training methods. The human species is obviously not as intelligent as the cat, but nevertheless can learn quite a lot - if properly managed. Topics of interest include the use of claw and order, purring as a human reward, rubbing your human up the right way, when to bite, spraying as a method of making our wishes known, ignoring the human, human harassment, human inattention and sheer human stupidity. I welcome your questions. Photos can be sent via my secretary's website, www.celiahaddon.com This blog has been chosen as one of the top 50 feline blogs by Online VetTechprogramms.org