Sunday, May 29, 2011

I am a feline love rat trying to protect my love kittens...


Dear George,
I have taken out a superinjunction (a legal system of getting absolute privacy from tabloid and red top newspapers) to protect my love kittens... There are scores of them all around Sussex, an English county. I have caterwauled on roof tops, fought in the streets, and mated with numerous females. So many, that I fear I cannot even remember their names. But they all probably had kittens - four or five at a time. Not that I had anything to do with my love kittens. I was, I admit, a love rat. I loved them and left them taking no responsibility for the little ones for five glorious years. If I try to remember, I reckon there must be more than 900 kittens that looked like me. But now I am a reformed (and snipped) character, I don't want anybody to know about my disgraceful past.
Will a superinjunction protect me?
No-Name Tom.

Dear No-Name Tom,
The new English legal system of protecting love rats, whether footballers or TV presenters, is working well for these human males. It's the males wot get the pleasure: it's the females wot get the blame. Our judges are nothing if not traditional.
But it won't work for cats. Your identity has already been revealed on Twitter. Just sending me a silhouette of yourself wasn't a sensible idea. A copy of your true photo came into my paws and I can reveal you are known in Sussex as Randy Victor, cat about town and love rat (your phrase not mine). You are a tabby and white who has the treatment of choice for sex addiction - castration.
It was Cats Protection who spilled the beans on you after they'd given you treatment. They rescue 5,700 unwanted kittens every years and the centre in Sussex reckons you could have contributed scores to this number. These moralistic humans take the view that unneutered toms like you (and me once) should be stopped.
Why? Well not just because we could go on fathering hundreds more unwanted kittens. It's for our own sake. The rooftop caterwauling life is pretty dangerous for us toms before the snip. We fight each other and risk catching dangerous blood born disease like FIV. We spray urine all over the place so humans don't want us in their homes. We roam for miles, taking our lives in our paws each time we cross roads. You, yourself, were picked up as a stray.
So, thank your lucky stars, Victor, that you
were given a chance of a new life. As a female human once sighed; "Ah the deep peace of the double bed after the hurly burly of the chaise longue."
Personally, as I was given the snip early in life, I reckon I am happier this way. In this, I count myself both superior to humans who have a disgusting habit of doing it in and out of season for most of their adult life. Would you consider setting upa charity for pets with me? We could call it Human Protection and run a campaign to neuter and spay them? They'd be so much happier.
George

11 comments:

  1. Okay this link is for all you cats and your humans. You will love this. Be sure to watch all of it.

    http://www.wimp.com/cathugs/

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  2. I can see why you had some many love kittens. That little "spot" on your nose.......simply charming! We (me and my sister Fluffy) are too love kittens. Our father, just like you, was the village Casanova :-)
    Cayenne

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  3. You are soooooooo handsome! Oh!
    Thea

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  4. Why do I have the impression that somehow George is mad at you? But...you look cute :-)
    Diego

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  5. Sir WinstonJune 03, 2011

    I don't think we'd be irresponsible if given the right chance. I think humans are completely, totally irresponsible!
    Sir Winston

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  6. SebastianJune 03, 2011

    Kido, be grateful .....that, at least, you have memories! I bet most of us don't even have a clue what you are talking about!
    Sebastian

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  7. You look so lovely :-)
    Hope you have a lovely human too!
    Hugs
    Shumba

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  8. You live in the wrong county and country, mon ami!
    You should have move to France before the snip!
    Porthos

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  9. Somehow...I would love to be your love kitten; we'd be a happy family. I have very good and well trained humans!
    You are such a charmer!
    Minnie

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  10. Dear No-Name Tom, I really like you! You look cute! But I think George is right here asking for more ethics and morals. Love kittens are living their lives in danger, usually on the streets. I think we need more "free" or governmental sponsored "spay and neuter" programs.
    Love
    Fluffy

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  11. FredericoJune 04, 2011

    Phew! Too bad you didn't move to Italy before the big snip! Cats live freely here and they are protected, loved and fed. We could have made a movie..."La dolce vita - the happy cats of Rome". That's why Maestro Felini was so successful! And...hm!...you look a bit like Marcello (Mastroiani, of course).
    Frederico

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Help for cats whose humans show behaviour problems.

This blog is devoted to the study of human behaviour. We cats, who live with this sometimes unpredictable and always feeble minded species, can benefit from seeing their behaviour in its proper scientific context. The study of feline dilemmas, training problems, and difficulties with humans, can only benefit all of us. All of us train our humans - to buy the right food, for instance, but many of us do not have knowledge of how to improve our training methods. The human species is obviously not as intelligent as the cat, but nevertheless can learn quite a lot - if properly managed. Topics of interest include the use of claw and order, purring as a human reward, rubbing your human up the right way, when to bite, spraying as a method of making our wishes known, ignoring the human, human harassment, human inattention and sheer human stupidity. I welcome your questions. Photos can be sent via my secretary's website, www.celiahaddon.com This blog has been chosen as one of the top 50 feline blogs by Online VetTechprogramms.org