Thursday, July 10, 2008

How can I stop my humans interrupting my sleep with you-know-what?


Dear George,  
What is is with humans and their sex lives? Have you noticed how out of order their sexuality is? Most proper animals come into season once a year (perhaps a little more if they live in the tropics), have their babies, suckle them, nurture them, and  have a decide period of quiescent sexuality while they are doing it. The males wait for the humans to come on heat before getting rampantly sexual. When the females are not on heat, they don't bother them with sexual demands. Admittedly, because we have moved in to live with humans, we come into season more than once a year, but WE DONT DO IT ALL THE TIME! I wish they would stop it - it interrupts my sleep at night. Advice would be welcome.
Portia.

Dear Portia,
Human sexuality is shameless. Always has been. No self respecting animal would behave like they do. Something very weird has happened to this apparently intelligent (or so they claim) primate. They have lost the rhythm of nature. Their sexual behaviour patterns are haywire. They have sex all the time -- when the females are on heat, when the females are not on heat, when the females are too old to menstruate, when the males are too young to vote
Unnatural. That's what I think.  Unnatural and very weird. Frankly, humans are a lower form of life.
We cats are not perfect. Those of us who live the outdoor life on the streets or in the fields come on heat more than once a year but it is basically still seasonal. Any cat rescue organisation will tell you that kittens start turning up in March and stop turning up in the autumn. More or less, anyway. Where humans have interrupted our natural life, by taking us to live indoors or keeping us in breeding establishments, then kittens will be born out of season.
Even so, we don't do it all the time.
We have sex when the female is in a natural condition to do so. She has come on heat and that stirs up us males (well - a bit embarassing to say this, - but not this male. I was snipped). Nights of passion follow with caterwauling on the roofs and females flirting around the toms. Then peace returns, kittens turn up and there is a gap before it all starts again. But there's no let up with humans.
My advice to you is to take firmer control of the bed. As an Alpha cat you will already be sleeping in the centre of the bed. Finesse this slightly. Make sure you are sleeping BETWEEN your humans. Spread yourself out. Be ready to administer disciplinary claw and order in the middle of the night.
If that doesn't stop them, do a shriek. The female will probably push him away and attend to you instead.
I just wish we could neuter and spay them, like they do us. They would be so much happier.
George

5 comments:

  1. AnonymousJuly 10, 2008

    "claw and order" Ha ha, I do like that George. I've noticed that human buttocks are constantly on the move during this wretched human rutting, so, how about jumping from something higher than the bed, onto the buttocks and hanging on with 20 claws? I'd guess this would interrupt the humans so much they'd eventually give up.

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  2. Scruffy would moof to the window an watch the action, then return when it was ofur. Come to fink of it, dat's when the boy happened. I just ride it out at the end of the bed, tryin not to get kicked. Beans. Is. Weird.

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  3. AnonymousJuly 11, 2008

    Have you tried purring. I have a particularly loud purr. I position myself very close to their heads and purr loudly. They seem embarassed and sometimes stop.
    Purrkin

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  4. AnonymousJuly 11, 2008

    I'm removed from the room and the door gets closed. How can I take ANY action when I've been baricaded?

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  5. Well said.

    I also find that, in the event the bedroom door is shut whilst this behaviour is happening, crying out loudly & repeatedly while throwing yourself against the door will bring the female to your side thereby ending the disgusting mating display. Once you're in the room, the center bed position will discourage further activity.

    George

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Help for cats whose humans show behaviour problems.

This blog is devoted to the study of human behaviour. We cats, who live with this sometimes unpredictable and always feeble minded species, can benefit from seeing their behaviour in its proper scientific context. The study of feline dilemmas, training problems, and difficulties with humans, can only benefit all of us. All of us train our humans - to buy the right food, for instance, but many of us do not have knowledge of how to improve our training methods. The human species is obviously not as intelligent as the cat, but nevertheless can learn quite a lot - if properly managed. Topics of interest include the use of claw and order, purring as a human reward, rubbing your human up the right way, when to bite, spraying as a method of making our wishes known, ignoring the human, human harassment, human inattention and sheer human stupidity. I welcome your questions. Photos can be sent via my secretary's website, www.celiahaddon.com This blog has been chosen as one of the top 50 feline blogs by Online VetTechprogramms.org